Closing Pandora's Box

‘Cause if you take your vitamins and pay your taxes and never cut the line, the universe still gives you people to love but lets them slip through your fingers like water. And then what are you left with? Vitamins and nothing.¹

 

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Title: Dream catch me – Newton Faulkner
¹Grey’s Anatomy – Season 7, episode 16; Not responsible.

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
When death comes and takes all the bright coins to buy me,
and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes like measle-pox;
when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

“When Death Comes” – Mary Oliver

*****

Then…

There were times when I screamed out to God. It’s ironic isn’t it? When we are happy and have no need whatsoever of calling Him, some of us are inclined to think of His presence as an intrusion. Go to Him then and He would take you in with open arms and make you feel welcome. But going to Him when all help was lost and you’d be faced with a closed door and silence. Such loud and echoing silence, that could drive you mad. All you would hear was your own voice, full of desperation and need being thrown back to you. Was He ever there?

Then something happens, or I hear something, or see a picture, or visit a place and memories flood back like a gushing river. Every single particle of ‘rationality’, ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ is swept away by tears of grief. Clean and honest tears. Bathing myself in self pity is something I find so disgusting. It makes me cringe to think to think the bubbly Charley I remember, whose happiness was contagious and who was always overflowing with life has now become someone who brings nothing but sorrow. If she were to see me now, what would she think? And that brings me onto my next point.

Promises made with the dead while they held our hand, walked beside us and shared the same air to breathe as us are all well and good. There are many promises I will never forget, promises that I will keep with me forever and  will try my best to fulfil. But there are times when this so called ‘respect for the feelings of the dead’ brings me doubt. Sometimes when people say “is that what Charley would have wanted?” or “Charley wouldn’t have liked you doing such and such,” I wonder whether it is really just them using her name to say a piece of their mind, to vent their frustration at my never-ending sadness, or to have their way. I know it’s wrong of me. Their intentions are pure, they don’t mean it that way. But that momentary flash of desperation, of exhaustion and annoyance in their eyes makes me wonder. I hope I never am guilty of saying it that way to anyone.

At the beginning I used to be so afraid of going all those places Charley and I used to go, the walk through the parks or taking in the view of London from the top of Shirley Hills. But over the last year, I’ve visited the park many times in the depths of the night, and despite a few early incidents it wasn’t as bad as I had expected. Her absence wasn’t any more intense there as it was in other places; it’s not confined to a particular place. Her absence is like the distribution of air, it’s spread everywhere. It’s like that, I feel it while I’m sitting alone on the bus or I feel it when I’m feeling sad and in need of someone to talk to for example. But even that isn’t entirely true. There is one place where I feel it the most. Me. I miss her hugs.

*****

Now…

Tomorrow will be exactly one year since she passed away. ******* Cancer. I was speaking to a friend recently and they said to me, ‘How do you think Charley would feel knowing she was the reason behind your grief? Do you think she would want you to suffer endlessly because of her death?’

That made me think. Yes, I still do miss her, yes I still feel the emptiness from time to time, but it’s time I let it go. It’s time I came out of the shell I have been hiding in, wallowing in my sorrow, and felt the warmth of the sun on my skin, felt the refreshing rain and tried to truly enjoy happiness and all the other wonders of this life. On new year’s I was recovering from a very long day, getting rid of all that exhaustion that I completely forgot about Charley. When I finally realised, finally remembered, it was much more than a fading memory. It would not be right for me to call it a meeting (that’d get me locked up), but it was as if the armour of sorrow which had confined me for so long was removed. So much easier to breathe, so much easier to move. There were no tears, and that I think that is why I could see properly. My eyes still need time to adjust but it’s a beginning.

Have you ever said, ‘tonight I must get a good sleep because I have a long day tomorrow,’ and found you sleep very little? Have you ever said ‘let’s talk. Now’s the time’ and noted how silence ensues? Maybe if you desire something too desperately, you may not be able to get the best of it. Is that the same with the death of a loved one? Wanting so much to keep their memory alive, to remember each and every detail you find yourself looking into a dark and dingy hole which drags you in. A bit like a black hole. In the same way, I’m led to believe God was there all along. It was my own frantic screaming which stopped me from hearing that voice of help I had relied my last hope on. God gives to only those who have the ability and the willingness to accept. I was not ready to accept, I was not ready to listen and it was my mistake.

A few days before she passed away, Charley asked me find and print out the poem shown above. Another patient who was reaching the end of his life had told her about it and said they’d discuss it together when she had read it. They never got the chance, he passed away that night. When Charley finished reading the poem, with tears rolling down her beautiful face she said, ‘It doesn’t sound so bad having read that. Are you afraid? I wont leave till you say goodbye’. But I never got a chance to say goodbye. I was reminded of the poem while at the weekly hospice training, and it brought back sore memories. Am I ready to say goodbye yet? I don’t know. =/.

Reach – S Club 7.

We used to sing this song at school back in year 6. It was our song. It is now the first song on my playlist and I thought I’d share it with you.

I read this quote a few days ago, and it really hit home and really made me think:

If you focus to much on those you have lost, you’ll end up pushing away those that are left. – Unknown²

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Title: Iridescent – Linkin Park.
Picture 1: I have had this picture on my computer for a very long time, and so no longer have the link to it.
Picture 2: Same with this picture.
²Quote from http://www.boardofwisdom.com/

It is that time of year when people sit down and reminisce over the happenings of the year that is reaching its end.  The good times bring laughter and the sad times bring with them a silence which in it self is louder than any other sound. But it’s not the past that I dwell on, for it is something that we can not change, cannot undo, cannot repeat but instead I look in the mirror and note what I have become. Am I happy by what I see? From being that individual who used to give others endopolitis (don’t Google it, you wont find it) I am in need of being infected by it. I’m a lot quieter, a lot more reserved, but that doesn’t mean I don’t take part and enjoy. I’ve learned to appreciate the value of family (yeah, smelly brothers included), the wonders of friends and friendship, the significance of the other small things we overlook and take for granted; the coffee dates, the laughter and having someone to give a hug. I’ve come to realise we do not remember days, we remember moments.

Uh, and I heard ‘em say, nothin’ ever promised tomorrow today.
But we’ll find a way
And nothing lasts forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it may be the only way.
They say people in your life are seasons,
And anything that happen is for a reason…¹

*****

When I started blogging back in August, I remember sitting there for ages just thinking of a title. That was probably the hardest part of it all. After consistent nagging from a few friends (Supz in particular) Closing Pandora’s Box was given a virtual birth. At that time I couldn’t even dream of having so many followers let alone receive a blog award, all thanks of which go to Furree Katt, who gave it to me. Thank you Furreeeeeeeeeeeeee. :)

According to the rules, I have to state 7 facts about me and award it to 7 others. Then those 7 people will have to do the same. So here goes:

7 facts about me you probably* didn’t know:

1. I eat when I am bored. And if I stop eating when I am bored then you know I am extremely bored.
2. I rarely ever get spots on my face, but when I do, they’re always in the same few annoying places.
3. I have never eaten prawns. Most people when they hear that have an ‘inviting fly moment’ which basically looks something like .
4. I write out every blog post by hand first using a special pen before finally typing it up onto Windows Live Writer. Even then there are countless mistakes.
5. I absolutely, very muchly, totally love adore football. I’m a bit of a fanatic really, borderline obsession some may say. Manchester United all the way!
6. I have the concentration span of a cucumber. Sitting in lectures I get distracted less than half the way through and start writing poems, drawing, texting, or just eating.
7. I absolutely, very muchly, totally hate despise writing about myself. I just don’t know where to start really or what to say. Ummm...

7 bloggers who I give this award to, in no particular order:

1. Smiley’s (╚» š ρ α я к ℓ ι n g š м ι ℓ є š «╝) was the only blog that I used to read before starting my own. Her writing is uh-maz-ing (is that spelt right?!); being extremely captivating, full of humour and so naturally written. (forgive me!)
2. Yours Truly ({{ Yours Truly }} ) writes very rarely, but when she writes, she writes absolute gems. Write more youuuuu!
3. Furree Katt (The Jackky Bhagnani Obsession) was the one who gave me this award and though it is slightly weird to give the same award back to the person who gave it to you, I must do it for one simple reason. Before I started blogging I used to dislike Bollywood a LOT, but it is because of Furree’s undying love of Jackky that I’m willing to give it another chance. Oh and her blog is very very lovely to read.
4. Alice (Alice in Galaxyland) was recommended to us by one of our lecturers at university. Her blog, mainly about science and all related matters, is extremely interesting, oozing with logic and lots of mind-blowingly amazing pictures.
5. Street Guru (What the world needs now...) writes posts that are full of inspiration or food for thought. Every post has something for everyone to take away and it really does live up to the title.
6. Alpha Za (Home of the Snapping Turtle) is an excellent writer. He writes about current (and relevant) matters in such a witty manner you can’t help but shout Bravo! while LMAO-ing or ROFL-ing.
7. рεяfεcтℓγ▪ιмpзяfзcт’s (I haven't lost my mind.) is a blog I recently started following. It’s quite good actually, the striking i have no fear honesty with which it is written is really intriguing.

This will probably be my last post of the year. So I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year. Don’t look back on the past with tears in your eyes, but open up your arms and embrace what the new year has to offer. Go that extra mile, treat yourself, give yourself what you truly deserve, don’t settle for second best. I remember talking to someone at the beginning of this year of all the hard work and the challenges that were looming ahead and he said something quite simple yet so profound:

There will always be obstacles and challenges in whatever you do, try not to think of them as such, think of them as being opportunities and that way you’ll be less daunted. Think of it like this, you’ve only got once chance, you’ve got the opportunity, don’t let it pass you. Grasp them whenever you can.

May this new year bring you all happiness, success, love, but most importantly may it bring you what you deserve; the fulfilment of your prayers and wishes.

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* Some of you may already know some of these things, hence the emphasis on ‘probably’.
Title: Home – Michael Bublé
¹ Heard ‘em say – Kayne West ft. Adam Levine

Many hundreds of people walk through our lives each day but only those who love us, and whom we love, and those that care for us, and those for whom we care leave their footprints engraved on our heart.

What does it feel like many people ask. Sometimes it feels so very much like fear. That same fluttering in the stomach I get while standing at the top of a very tall structure and looking down below, the same agitation and that same restlessness. Sometimes there is that dry mouth because the swallowing wont stop. Sometimes it makes me feel so detached and so alone, as if there is an invisible barrier between me and the world. The words people speak, the things they say just doesn’t seem to register. Or maybe it’s just hard to want to understand, it can be so uninteresting. I fear the moments when I am alone.

Some days a little voice inside me shouts out from the depths and tries to assure me that it really isn’t that much of a big deal. After all, people come and go, so what is different about death? I was happy before I met Charley. It happens to everyone and people move on. As I contemplate, I am left ashamed listening to what my mind says. On the other hand it does speak sense. But then something happens, or I hear something, or see a picture, or visit a place and memories flood back like a gushing river. Every single particle of ‘rationality’, ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ is swept away by tears of grief. It is then you are left sitting alone on that park bench with nothing but darkness and cold surrounding you. Just so alone.

This is the park bench Charley and I used to sit on. I took this picture of the snow covered park while on one of my midnight walks – 2^nd Dec 2010, 01.55am.

*****

Over the years, many people have tried to explain ‘grief’ to me using all sorts of analogies. While at the hospice training one day, we were discussing this matter and the coordinator explained a few different models of grief. I’ll explain one of them here:

This first circle (left) represents you, me, him, her and everyone in their normal ‘grief-free’ state. The greatest worry or problem we have to deal with is what pair of jeans to wear in the morning or what sandwich to buy at lunch. Life is okay with no major drama but being humans we still complain.

The flaming red and orange in the circle on the right is representative of grief. Grief felt after the ending of a long term relationship or the bereavement following the death of someone very dear. It is totally overwhelming and takes over us (the whole circle of ‘us’ is full of it).

Most people assume that over time the grief due to a bereavement or loss for example, will lessen and there may even come a stage when it completely disappears. In this ‘assumption’ we don’t really change as a person, it’s the grief which changes. After all, time is a great healer is it not?

In reality however, the grief doesn’t change. It is always there. We just grow around it, learning and developing ways to cope so that it hurts less and less each day. This is how I like to think of it. The human brain is an amazing thing. The way it can store, recall, sort and process information is just mind boggling. I think grief is like constantly playing music; it’s always there in the background but your mind learns to block it out. If you’ve ever sat in a classroom with a road just outside, you’ll initially hear the cars going past. But as the lesson progresses and you get stuck into your maths or English or whatever, you no longer hear the cars. You’ll only notice them when you look out the window and concentrate on them. Grief is the same. After some time, which may be a few hours, a few days, weeks, months or even years it becomes like music playing gently in the background.

*****

Tomorrow (18^th Dec 2010) would have been her 21^st birthday. On her 18^th, standing in the freezing cold at the edge of the river Thames, we made so many plans and so many promises for the years to come. I remember holding a warm cup of coffee in my shaking hand and telling her, ‘Whatever you plan for your next big one, just make sure it’s somewhere warm. I’m giving you three years to think of something.’ But there wasn’t to be a 21^st, there are just memories.

Though we all take trips to the city of memories, we have no choice but to come back because unfortunately they are only trips. In our remembrance of the dead, we can not forget the living. Today is the birthday of a lovely friend of mine; Rosaline Lifeo. May the Almighty grant you a long and healthy life. May it be like being on a ferris wheel, dominated with that indescribable feeling of limitless happiness and awe when you are the top. But when you are at a low may you have the strength, the faith and the belief that it will only be temporary.

Come to think of it, life isn’t that much different from a ferris wheel. The only difference being we buy the ticket for one and are given the ticket for the other. Otherwise, both the rides have their ups and down and regardless of what happens, they both go on.

*****

They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being. It’s like no-one told them that’s the hardest thing in the world. I’m left not with what she took from me but with what with she brought. Eyes that finally saw me for what I am. And this certainty that nothing, nothing is set in stone, not even darkness. – Dexter, Season 5, Episode 12.

We meet new people each and every day wherever we are. Some of them we stop to talk to. Others we go out of our way and make the effort to talk to. Connections are laid and a relationship is made. The hardest thing I think is maintaining those connections and keeping them living. In my remembrance of the dead I must not overlook those whose footprints are engraved so deeply on my heart that time shall never be able to erase them. In my remembrance of the dead I must not hurt those who give me a reason to live. In my remembrance of the dead I must never forget those who teach me how to keep going. I will not forget them. <3

(I hope you understand this person with no name, this one is for you and all those who I know are grieving or have grieved. I will not forget you)