Closing Pandora's Box

The difficulties you meet will resolve themselves as you advance. Proceed, and light will dawn, and shine with increasing clearness on your path.

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Photograph of path taken from personal photography available here.

“Exhausting,” he said to her. “Kids are such work. I can’t wait to have kids of my own, but sometimes thinking about it is scary.”

“Hmm I feel the same way sometimes,” she replied. “Then I slap myself and shout silently ‘How can I bring such beautiful innocence into THIS world.’”

“When you look at the world what do you see? I don’t know about you, but I look at the world, I see it through eyes dark and colourless. It's a bit like blue jeans. No matter how blue they are to begin with, those areas that are constantly stretched and rubbed and poked lose their colour over time. Especially at the knees. Just before they’re about to rip and leave a gaping big hole, they turn colourless. Same with these eyes of mine. Death, failure, loss, destruction, persecution, sorrow and hurt. You name it, they’ve seen it all and they too have lost their colour. The thing is when something loses its colour, it catches other colours around it much more quickly. Like a plain white piece of paper can be painted any colour whereas a bright red one will not show all of them as well. And at this stage, these sunken eyes of mine notice the beauty, notice the hope, notice the love, notice the sacrifice and notice the good, no matter how small it may be. Indeed, there are vast areas lacking light, but if you look hard enough, in the right places, you’ll see it too. Look inside yourself, deep down where the soul resides and you’ll notice that no matter how grimy you may be on the surface the light within continues to burn burn bright. A street lamp gives the same light as when it was new, except the pollution of the cars and the dust deposited by the wind may make it seem otherwise. Now imagine that light multiplied 7 billion times. It would be blinding. The problem isn’t that there is no light in the world. The problem is that most people don’t know how to find it. When I have kids one day insha’Allah, if I fail to teach them anything else, I hope I’ll be able to teach them these two things: I’ll teach them about their light that resides within them. And I’ll teach them that if they share that light of theirs with others around them, it’s the best they can do. Even if the layers of grime and filth on a person’s surface is so thick that it only lets a small pinpoint of light, in the darkest of areas, that too can be illuminating. Remember that, and find your light my friend. If you lose your way, then I’ll share mine with you.”

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Photograph of streetlamp in the sunset, taken from personal photography [link].

It is often said that the ultimate transformation is comparable to that seen in nature; as being like the caterpillar turning into a butterfly. But we tend to forget two important things. Firstly, all caterpillars have the potential to fly. And secondly, only the butterfly knows what it went through to get those wings. 

There are moments in our lives where we feel cocooned off from the world, isolated and alone, vulnerable and powerless in a dark and unmerciful world. Not just one but many moments in our lives, were we found ourselves in a place not too dissimilar from that where caterpillars go to grow their wings. The butterfly, so beautiful and graceful turns and says, “These humans always speak of my transformation which I can undergo only once in my life.  They are strong, yet so oblivious to their own strength and have the ability to transform at every moment of their lives and in innumerable ways.”

Cocoon moments are like fixed points in one’s existence. A person is not defined by a particular moment, but how they got to that moment and what they do in response to it. Those moments are like a crossroads, a choice. When you feel alone, remember you can either let go and watch your world be ravaged by monsters on the ground below, or you can keep the faith and learn to fly.

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Photograph of drawing and writing, taken from personal photography.

The web of life. Sprawling. Interconnected. Laced together with fine strings of silk. Each thread, a different moment, a different relationship, a different entity, held together with the glue of emotion. Each fine fibre holds firm another, supporting and being supported. And yet at times it feels so flimsy and weak. All it takes is the blink of an eye, a moment, an incident, the breath of a single word to tear it all apart. And then you are left with the pieces of your life scattered across the floor. Battered, broken and longing for a reason to believe.

The silk of a spider is stronger than steel, they say. It acts as a place to sleep, a place to catch food and much more. Who taught the spider how to spin its web? We humans regularly demolish these beautiful structures. What do spiders do? They move on, and rebuild their lives, from scratch.

Bad things happen, but life goes on.
It is not long before we go are gone.¹

God gave everyone the ability to make a life for themselves. Yet, “we do not rise to the level of our abilities, but fall to the lies (sic) of our excuses”.² When it feels like it is all disintegrating, remember the spider. Every thread you lay, make sure it is stronger than steel. And try again. Remember, when it all seems to be falling apart, it may just be falling into place.³ Remember, and keep the faith.

*****

Thank you to B for giving me the idea for this post. I dedicate this to Tutti Fruitti and all others who are going through testing times.

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Photograph of an exposed web just after sunrise from personal photography, available here.
¹ A couplet from a poem I once wrote.
² This was a quote I posted on Twitter in the last couple of weeks, but I can no longer remember where / who it’s from.
³ This is another quote I posted onto Twitter a month or so ago. Unfortunately I cannot remember its source.

We were sitting and talking, waiting for afternoon lectures to start. The Indian girls I was with were on a roll; after bitching for about half an hour they moved onto Bollywood and began re-enacting their favourite scenes. I don’t actually know why I was there because I dislike bitching and don’t watch Bollywood. I guess I was literally killing time in the most painful way possible.

The subject of the conversation turned to one particular (absent) individual and I learnt many eye opening facts about their life story. In all that time I had been yawning profusely and making funny faces at people passing by our table at the canteen so the girls looked at me, expecting some input into the discussion at hand:

It’s amazing isn’t it? People form ideas and assumptions about others really very quickly but when you actually hear their story, you have nothing to say but “oh” and wish you could take it all back.

Our eyes see only that which they are capable of seeing or that which we want them to see. That’s also why people wear lenses and glasses. It’s not the thing being looked at that is changing, but the ability of one to see that particular thing. If you stand two individuals; one with perfect vision and another who is short-sighted together at a distance of 15 metres from a sign, they’ll see different things. The sign is the the same but the images perceived are different.

It’s the same with people. What we see of others is nothing but skin and clothes, all superficial. And when seen through our eyes, they’re even more distorted.

*****

In other news, I am extremely sorry for having not posted in over a month. Though I may not have commented on your blog posts, I have regularly been visiting and read them every morning on my phone while on the train to university. The wonders of technology aye.

Lastly, you may recall my previous post was about a series of guest posts that I would like to do in the next month or so regarding the issues women face in today’s society. I have already received some excellent, though provoking and well written articles from a number of you but there are still some slots available if you wish to join the discussion as a few people have dropped out due to one reason or another. So if you wish to get involved, just let me know.

I hope and pray you are all having an excellent weekend!

Stay smiling.

This post is dedicated to Cяystal

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Title: I need a dollar – Aloe Blacc
YouTube video: I saw on Asma Khan’s blog and as it was really pertinent to the post, decided to include it.

Giaus	I have no choice. I’m sorry Gwen.
Gwen	In life you always have a choice. Sometimes it’s easier to think you don’t.
Giaus	Well then, my choice is to leave.

We make choices every day of our lives, every hour of our days, every minute of our hours and every second of our minutes. Our lives are replete with decisions and many of these choices we make consciously, spending minutes, hours, days, weeks and even months on them. Others are made in a split second, things we say in conversations, things said when high on the drug of happiness or low due to a lack of it.
There are some instances when due to circumstances we choose not to choose. But is it not paradoxical that when a person has a decision to make and does not make it, that in itself is a choice? And why do we do that? In such situations where we feel we have no choice and thus are indirectly forced to do something, we do it to protect ourselves or those really close to us. In doing so we may trample on others, the truth and much more to make sure we are safe. Blinded by our fear and that of the consequences we make ourselves believe what we are doing to be right. But is it ever right?
One way of defining a person is by their choices. People are commonly described as being reckless, driven by passion, logical (and the opposite), sharp-mined in regards to the choices they make. A person can be sweet to the core, full of goodness for others, mentally strong etcetera and yes those things do matter, but unless those internal qualities are expressed externally, no-one will be able to appreciate them or experience them. Never a judge a person on what he can or can’t do, but by what he does or doesn’t do. We all have ability, maybe not the same but ability nonetheless and some people choose to use that ability whereas others choose not to. Humans have been given free will, thus each and every day we can choose to bring light to the lives of others or take it away from them. We choose whether our actions do good or evil. It is that which raises you in the eyes of others, or condemns you to the scum of society.
Our choices shape our lives and subsequently our ourselves. This process only ends with our last breath. We are free to make choices, but we are not free to decide the consequences of our actions which may reverberate for many many years to come. Our choices are ultimately our own responsibility. Many of us have seen how sometimes we make detailed plans for our lives but our choices burn them to ashes. After all life is nothing but the sum of our choices; some good and some bad. A person learns to make good decisions after having experienced the consequences of bad ones previously made. Though none of us have the ability to see into the future, we have been given understanding which is especially important when making decisions. Until we take responsibility and accountability for our actions, we will never make worthwhile choices. ”We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them,” (Khalil Gibran).
All animals choose. It is our ability to consciously think and understand before we decide something that makes us different from animals and other organisms. But choosing to be a good human is one of the hardest choices to make. A wise person once said, “You (always) have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. To be or not to be.”
What do you choose?
Title: Anyway – Martina McBride

Exams finished on Wednesday and I don’t think I would have been able to do them without the help of the General, Little Miss Sunshine and Dummer. It was Dummer who made me start revising for the ‘immunity and infection’ module by sending me a word document full of so many words underlined in red. Without Little Miss Sunshine’s emails I very much doubt I would have been able to do much of the ‘Therapeutics: Protein to Patient’ exam. The General was just the General, helping here, there and everywhere. Thank you to all 3 of you and to everyone for your support, well wishes and early morning texts.

Before exams started, apart from revision there was the dissertation to do. It was titled, ‘sphingosine-1-phosphate induced reactive oxygen species production in microglia’ and the final book, 46 pages long, looked rather nice if I may say so myself. It was bound with red leather (knowing me are you surprised I picked that colour?) and I was quite happy with it in the end. I couldn’t stop opening it and flicking through the pages every few minutes.

  

*****

Yesterday I spent most of the day gardening. It was a chance for me to de-stress and get my mind off things. While mowing the grass, taking out weeds from the flower beds and watching the bees and other insects fly and crawl, I was made to think about life and people. I’d like to share some photos I took on my phone and the thoughts that accompanied them.

Life is full of doors; some have behind them countless opportunities to excel and others are opened or closed depending on the decisions we make. Whenever life offers you a door take a peep through because you never know, you may be kings or queens of your very own Narnia on the other side. Be careful you look properly before you walk in though, because it may just be an empty drop into nothingness.

Every gardener knows just how much of a problem weeds can be. They deprive flowers and other plants that you want to grow of nutrients, sunlight and space. If you rip off the shoots above the ground they disappear, yes, but only temporarily. They’ll keep growing back, again and again and again, year after year. It’s the same with problems each one of us faces in our day to day lives. If we shove them under the carpet, away from the view of the world, yes they’ll not be visible, but they’ll always be there. And as long as they’re there, well they will cause problems. To deal effectively with weeds you have to find the roots, yank them out and dispose of them. In the same way, when faced with a problem it’s best to deal with them at the root level (for that is the cause) and not the shoot level (for that is just what the root is exhibited as).

While clearing out the flower beds I noticed bees flying onto the flowers dancing from one to the other. Some would also come to these blue flowers (above), land on them but quickly fly away. It reminded me of people who hide behind a pretty face. When you get to know them properly however, you realise deep down inside they’re nothing but prickly buggers and if you get too close things can get messy.

In our garden we have had a rose arch. The top of the arch broke yesterday and after moving some of the branches around (and desi engineering) I managed to make it stand by itself. It made me realise the importance of support in our lives without which we too would fall. But more importantly it made me realise that once we have been helped on to our feet, we all have the strength to stand on our own without support.

At the base of the rose arch I noticed that many weeds had grown. In the same way as these plants were stealing nutrients and minerals from the rose plant, with little care for the latter, people also do the same. Some people come to you pretending to be friends bringing nice gifts and happiness. But when faced with the choice of you or both of you, they wouldn’t hesitate in leaving you behind.

It is for this reason that roses protect their beauty with thorns. That doesn’t necessarily mean people and other animals will stop touching them or stop causing them harm, but it does make the person think of their own safety before they do so. In the same way a Muslim lady protects her beauty by wearing a veil.

All throughout the day I was desperately trying to take a picture of a busy bee, as they flew around me. By the time my phone’s camera turned on, the bee would already have already buzzed off. Just as I was about to give up and go inside for lunch, another opportunity presented itself. You can see the result of it above.

*****

I wish you all a very happy, relaxing and enjoyable weekend wherever in the world you are.

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Title: Mary Mary quite contrary – Nursery Rhyme
All photographs in this post are from my personal photography

The men, the women, the children walk
In a line, on the side of the dusty track.
Feet scraping, shoulders hunched, in silence, no talk.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, there’s no going back.

Some carry their lives in bundles, on their heads, their backs or hanging by their side,
Under the burden of memories, others carry themselves from falling to the ground.
Their shadows spill around them, forming dark puddles where they collide
Left right, left right, left, there’s no turning around.

They are  like soldiers, they are martyrs, each one an exile,
Marching in suits starched with mud, others with dresses torn.
Feet hurting, cuts in skin that is still fragile.
Left, right, left, right, it’s behind, a cause forlorn.

Where are they to go?
Left, right, left, no rhythm in their feet.
The eyes of the world are on them, what do they have to show?
Left, right. Maybe one day  they will be back, they are not yet beat.

Nas - (March 2011)

This poem I wrote after a 3 year drought of poem writing and so thought I’d share it with you.

*****

“Most of the patients here,” she said. “Suffer from terminal illnesses and disease. Many have been told they have limited time to live.” It was another day at the hospice training. And we were having a group discussion. “I want you all to get into pairs and threes if needed, and discuss what you would do if you were told you had a short amount of time to live?” I ask you that question,

What would you do if you were told you would die soon?

“It’s important because many of us never think about it. And I think we should ask it because it reminds us of our mortality.” She said after the discussion.

*****

Many people in the Middle East, in New Zealand, in Japan, were forced to ask themselves this question. There are people living today, who have the shadow of death hanging over their shoulder and they just do not know when their counter will stop counting. We’ve all heard and seen pictures of the death, the destruction, the suffering those people are going through. We’ve all heard the stories of poverty and persecution some people are a victim of each day of their lives.

When you jump into bed tonight, just spare a minute for those people, who do not have a bed in which to to sleep. Think of those people who will be resting their head amid the sound of gun fire. Think of those people who will be cuddling up against rubble. Think of the elderly, the children, the sick, the injured. Think of those that have lost brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sons, daughters and friends. Think of them and say a prayer.

Please do give generously to those charitable organisations that are providing aid to those in need to the best of your ability.

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Title: Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls
Picture 1, showing a girl walking with a bag through rubble taken from here.
Picture 2, showing a woman prisoner taken from here.
Picture 3, showing a frail man laying taken from here.

This post I initially started writing back in February. Today I thought I’d sit down and just get it done.

*****

Her: My granddad is ill, and the doctors have said he’s about to die.
Me: I’m really sorry to hear that.
Her: I don’t want him to die ;(
Me: Everyone has to die some time. Maybe it’s just his time. Maybe he’s waiting for you give him permission to go.
Her: But I don’t care. I’ll miss him so much.
Me: You’d rather he suffer?
Her: ;(
Me: Has anyone told him what the doctors have said?
Her: No. We didn’t think it would be good for him.
Me: Why not? He knows he’s ill, maybe it would be better if he be told everything. At least that way he could start to prepare.
Her: But I don’t want him to go!

~ Sometime in late January

*****

Him: I’m sorry I’m late.
Me: Don’t worry about it. I’ve only had to deal with a hugely long queue, do so much washing up, and anyway, you’re always late so it doesn’t really matter. But why are you late?
Him: *shakes head* My cousin passed away in the morning.
Me: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that man. What happened if you don’t mind me asking?
Him: He was sitting there with his family. And just started having a fit. Before anything could be done, he was gone.
Me: That’s horrible. How old was he?
Him: Only 16.
Me: Damn. Only started his life as well. And then this happens.
Him: He was an only child too. His parents were so distraught.
Me: *I thought of Charley, she too was an only child. Her parents were left in such a bad state after she passed away* I can only imagine. It must be so hard on them.
Him: And you know what it makes me think? What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of life? And God? Only 16.
Me: I know. It must have been just so unexpected. When was the last time you saw him?
Him: Ummm about 6 months ago. No Christmas, so 3 months ago.
Me: Life’s such a bitch sometimes. Were you guys close?
Him: Yeah sort of. He used to look up to me as a role model. Do things I did etc etc. But damn it really makes you wonder.
Me: Yeah reminds you just how unexpected the future can be, and just how mortal we are. Would you like a hug?

~ Last week

*****

When I started my training for working at the hospice, along with the introductory pack we were also given a list of books that we might find worthwhile reading. Among them was a book that I posted a quote from before. I got this book from the library in November and finished reading it a few days ago. The book I am referring to is Intimate Death: How the dying teach us to live. This book is, I can honestly say, amazing. Marie De Hennezel takes us on a short journey to meet with terminally ill patients, many of whom initially wish to end their lives. That is, until they meet Hennezel. During their meetings with her, and the love, affection and concern she shows allows them to discover something deep within themselves, a hidden strength, a hidden desire to live another day, week, or month.

The book is extremely inspiring; full of accounts of people who, in some cases due to no fault of their own, are condemned to live a life of very few days. There was one patient in particular who, despite being unable to move at all except her eye lids and one finger, was full of life and wanted to live. Daniele is young (early 20’s I think. I forgot to write down her age) and suffers from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis¹, a neurodegenerative disease caused by degeneration of the motor neurons. Motor neurons, for those of you who are not familiar with them, are the nerves that control all our voluntary movement. This includes smiling, talking, moving your body parts etc. Her condition is so severe that she relies on others to turn her head after a while to prevent her from swallowing her own tongue and choking on it. The only voluntary control she has is the movement of her eye lids and the ability to move one of her fingers. It is with this finger that she communicates with the world through a type writer. There are many moving scenes with her, but I want to share just 2 of them with you.

*****

Daniele is laboriously picking out the letters on the screen. I bend over to look. In this position, half-lying on the bed beside her, we are very close. She says that makes her feel good.

She always wanted to be given lots of love, and now she is getting it in abundance. But it is so difficult to receive it. She talks about her family’s love, and that of her friends and those who take care of her, as “a fountain from which she doesn’t know how to drink,” and she adds, “Perhaps you have to learn to become a little child again, humble enough to accept the gift.”

And this is not easy, because Daniele was the absolute opposite: she loved to give egotistically. Knowing how to receive requires abandoning oneself, letting go, an attitude dramatically opposed to the way she’s always been. Will her current journey lead her to explore this fallow ground?

“What kind of journey is illness dragging us through?” She often refers to this idea of a journey. For her, the whole idea of going forward, of moving, is primordial. How can she live in her paralysis except by moving psychologically?

Fine-tuned and intelligent, she has decided to take up the challenge of this illness. “I can tell you my weapons: Avoid all comparisons with the past and learn to live this as a particularly long and difficult passage. You see, I don’t know how many years the ordeal will last, but there are difficult lessons, and they need time.”

Sometimes Daniele cries. But tears run down her face, which undo us.

“I didn’t let the emotion out before, but now that my virus has taken my speech and my muscles, I can’t keep it in anymore.”

She writes about just how difficult it is to be there without voice and without movement.²

Movement as well as talking is one of the most primitive of things. We don’t even think about moving, it just happens. Can you imagine life without it?

*****

Baths for bed-ridden patients. Daniele is given a bath:

I wait for the staff to get her into bed and finish what they have to do before I go to her. She’s relaxed, bright-eyed, ready to write.

“Being washed can be like a party – lots of sweet smells, massage that makes you feel like you’re being caressed, peals of conspiratorial laughter.” And then: “Talking about pleasure, how could I never have noticed that moving is one of them? Will I ever get it back, or will it always be a matter of some kind of complicated exercise? Movement is the most primitive pleasure there is – you have to undergo such ordeals to find treasures you never dreamed of.”

When I left Daniele, all I wanted to do was go and run barefoot in the grass like a mad thing. Get drunk on movement! I took my car and went to the park at Sceaux. It was warm, and I realized that the days were getting longer. On the big lawn in front of the castle, I took the most immense pleasure in running, spinning in circles, feeling the warm, damp earth under my feet, and I said thank you to life and to Daniele for such a conscious flash of pure joy.³

*****

This book taught me a lot. It taught me the importance of living. Daniele’s example especially was heart-rendering. Despite being able to do very little, she still enjoyed life. Yes there were periods when her disability left her drowning in tears she was unable to wipe away, but even then, her positivity was awe-inspiring.

Many people are scared to break bad news to extremely ill loved ones because they are afraid the effect it would have may be detrimental. ‘We think we’re protecting the person who’s dying , but aren’t we first and foremost trying to protect ourselves? What do we know of the innermost feelings of the dying? Do we not underestimate their capacity to face things squarely?’⁴

For anyone who feels they have forgotten how to live, this book will show you just how great life can be and how much we take for granted. I would honestly recommend it to each and every person, because death is something all of us have to face. This book will just make it a wee bit easier understanding it and give you the ability to aid the dying.

We can’t escape death, but we can live while we have the chance. ‘Spend the afternoon. You can’t take it with you’.⁵

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Title: If I die young – The Band Perry
Picture 1, showing running barefoot on the grass taken from here
¹More information about ALS can be found here
²Intimate Death: How the dying teach us to live, pages 121-122
3Intimate Death: How the dying teach us to live, page 123
⁴Intimate Death: How the dying teach us to live, page 13
⁵Annie Dillard

Rewind the calendars back to 1605 and in particular the 5^th of November, a day that has become engraved in British history as Bonfire Night. Many remember it as the day of the Gunpowder Plot, which if it had succeeded would have blown the Houses of Parliament sky high. But what was the reason for it?

In the 1530’s / 1540’s Henry VIII broke away from Rome and made himself head of the English Church. This was the beginning of many decades of religious intolerance, in which Catholics faced much persecution. The country became divided in 2; the Catholics and the Protestants. To combat this increasing divide, Henry’s daughter Queen Elizabeth I made the rule that anyone appointed to a public station or a place in the Church had to pledge allegiance to the monarch as the head of the Church and state. Anyone refusing do so faced severe penalties; fines, imprisonment and or execution. Catholics suffered greatly under this regime and despite the threat of torture and execution many continued to practice their faith in secret.

When Elizabeth died, she left behind no successor to the throne, and refused to name an heir. Mary, Queen of Scots (Elizabeth’s cousin), who was a Catholic had been executed for treason in 1587 and many people thought that her son James VI of Scotland had a strong claim to the English throne. When he became king in 1603 many Catholics thought their fortunes would change. Initially that is how it was, James relaxed the laws put in place by Elizabeth. As numbers of religious demands grew James became highly displeased at the increasing strength of the Catholics. In such a situation, the king, in an attempt to accommodate as many views as possible, expressed his ‘utter detestation’ of Catholicism and once again the country entered an age of hostility against Catholics.

Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot…

It was because of this religious persecution that a few Catholic men decided to blow up parliament. Approximately 36 barrels of gun powder were placed under the building. But before the plan could be executed, an anonymous letter was handed to the king that contained the details of the plot. A search was carried out of all the cellars in the palace, and Guy Fawkes was discovered with the gunpowder.¹

*****

I was speaking to Bubblegum a few weeks back and she reminded me of a film that is based around the concept of the gunpowder plot. It is set in the futuristic landscape of fascist England, where the country is full of torture cells, unfair / disproportionate punishments, prejudice against minorities and censors on everything that happens, and on everything that is done or said which may have negative repercussions on the ruling party. The film begins with the explosion of the Old Bailey (the Central Criminal Court in England), in particular the statue of Justice, orchestrated by a vigilante that wears a mask of Guy Fawkes and is known only by the name of V. This act is quickly hushed up by Norsefire in a statement to the public calling it an improvised emergency demolition, but behind closed doors the discussions are different:

The new Old Bailey will become the symbol of our time and the future that our conviction has rewarded us… This is a test. Moments such as these are matters of faith; to fail is to invite doubt into everything we believe and everything we have fought for. Doubt will plunge this country back into chaos and I will not let that happen.²

The very next day, V takes over the television network and exposes the lie to the whole state in an attempt to get the country to rise against the crimes of the government in an inspiring speech:

Click here to watch the video on YouTube (couldn’t embed it)

It is his master plan for the 5th of November, he wishes to blow up the Houses of Parliament as a symbol of ending the oppressive rule of the Norsefire party. He says:

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people… The building is a symbol as is the act of destroying it. Symbols are given power by people. Alone a symbol is meaningless and with enough people blowing up a building can change the world.³

*****

A wild wind is spreading through the Middle East as I write, blowing life into countless souls that lay helplessly dead under the shackles of oppression, corruption and confinement of ideas, talent and speech. Voices that were locked behind bars of fear, unwilling to question the powers above, began to speak out, collectively getting louder and louder till they became like the unstoppable force of the roaring ocean. The governments tried to crush the initial murmurs, but in the same way a small stone can cause such unrest on the surface of a calm pond, each and every death galvanises those in search of freedom so much so that the false calm that was apparent to the uncaring world is being replaced by the blood of innocent people. In the world today as the prices of basic amenities rise, the only thing that seems to depreciate in value is the cost of human life, and in some places it has become the cheapest thing there is.

Symbols were there for all to see. In Iran, Neda Soltan became the face of thousands of people in support of the Green revolution after she was shot dead because she wanted freedom and a government that cared. In the disturbing video of her last moments, that caused an uproar among the population, she looks up at the camera, as if to ask, “What was my crime?” In Tunisia, what did Mohamed Bouazizi know that his act of setting fire to himself in public after being unable to sell vegetables without permission, would bring together a nation to take a step towards smelling the beautiful fragrance of freedom?

People will die, it is inevitable, but what the governments should remember is that they will never kill hope. From generation to generation, it is passed down behind closed doors and in secret gatherings. No matter how hard they try, the fire can not be extinguished. Hope is not a mortal, it is not bound by time, or flesh or blood.

To end this post I wish to share with you one of the final few scenes from the film, V for Vendetta, which is about exactly what I have just mentioned:

Why won’t you die? click to watch on YouTube (couldn’t embed it)

I only talk to God
When somebody’s about to die
I never cherished freedom
Freedom never cries
You can cry for her, die for her
Lay down your life for her
Kiss and wave goodbye to her
Anything at all…⁴

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Title: Viva la vida – Coldplay
Picture 1, showing newspaper cutting about the gunpowder plot taken from here
Picture 2, showing an old drawing of Westminster Palace taken from here
Picture 3, showing movie poster for V for Vendetta taken from here
Picture 4, showing a scene from V’s speech taken from video here
Picture 5, showing the final fighting scene taken from video here
¹Adapted from the BBC History, here
²Chancellor Sutler to giving advice to his workers
³V explaining his motives to Evey
⁴Freedom never cries – Five for fighting.

This is a song EllaUnread posted on her blog. I loved it, and so borrowed (without asking) it to share with you guys:

I’ve had a bit of a tough and tiring week, and this song really put a smile on my face (thank you Ella). And I hope it puts a smile on yours too.

Have a lovely weekend everyone. :)

[ This is a scheduled post ]

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Title: On the bright side – NeverShoutNever!

This is the story of my life,
And I write it everyday
I know it isn’t black and white
And it’s anything but grey
I know that no I’m not alright, but I feel okay ‘cos
Anything can, everything can happen
That’s the story of my life…

I’m gonna write the melody
That’s gonna make history,
And when I paint my masterpiece I swear I’ll show you first
There just ain’t a way to see who and why or what will be
Till now is then
It’s a mystery, it’s a blessing and a curse
Or something worse

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday,
And I hope you’re by my side when I’m writing the last page.¹

The lyrics of the song posted above, is one that I first heard a very long time ago with a very special person. Though that person is no longer here, this song still reminds me of her and the promises we made together. However this post is not one about Charley, but about life. That same life, which like a credit card that is topped every midnight to a balance of 86,400, many of us forget to exploit to it's full potential. Just stop reading for a minute, and think about it. If you were told you would be given a total of £86,400 to spend each day in whatever way you liked what would you do? At the end of each day however, any money left unspent would be discarded and you would not be able to transfer it to the next day. Would anyone in their right mind let any of that money go? You could use that money to spoil yourself and others, give to those in need, fulfil your dreams and the list goes on and on and on. It’s the same with life. There are 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, and 60 seconds in each and every minute. That’s a total of 86,400 seconds, which once gone will never come back. What have you done with your balance? Many of us are guilty of not living, but merely existing.

That is not to say that when we are overcome by difficulties, hardships, grief or run out of breath we don’t stop and take a Time-Out. The one that has never experienced suffering never lived and the one having suffered was unable to find happiness never learned.² Sometimes you don’t want to go on, sometimes you’re so tired, exhausted and worn-out by trying to live that you just wish to stop. Like my lovely friend Marshmallow said to me:

It’s okay to say, “I wanna stay in bed today, I’m taking a day off”. Let someone else carry your burdens for you for a day, just like you carried theirs.

It’s okay to hurt and to cry, but it’s stupidity when that same hurt, whether it be due to the breakup of a relationship, loss of a job or the death of a loved one for example, steals your life and makes you dead. The world unfortunately goes on, and unless you jump back on the ride, you’ll get left behind.

Those that sow in tears, reap in joy.³

*****

Fear not when, fear not why,
Fear not much while were alive,
Life is for living not living up tight,
See ya somewhere up in the sky,
Fear not die, I'll be alive for a million years, bye bye…⁴

Conditions of accepting award:

1. Thank and put a link back to the person who so kindly gave this award.
2. Share a few things about yourself.
3. Pass the award onto some mighty fine bloggers.
4. Inform these mighty fine bloggers that they have received the award.

Here goes:

1. I was totally humbled and honoured to receive this award, given to me by the amazing Gary (@Klahanie). If you have forgotten the worth of living, or have realised that you just do not know how good it is to be alive, then I would tell you to read (not recommend) Gary’s blog. Each and every post is written with such honesty, emotion and thought that it is bound to leave a mark on each and every reader. Each and every word written is so beautiful, that it is poetical. Thank you ever so much.
2. This is the first hardest thing I find…
   1. My brother has started calling me ‘red nose reindeer’ as I have a spot on my nose. It’s bright red because of all the poking I’ve been doing to it (any help?).
   2. I appreciate and really value the simple things in life; family, friends, memories, moments and coffee dates for example.
   3. Whenever starting on a project, I always go for the designing first. The writing comes later. If it doesn’t look good, who’s gonna read it?
   4. I suck at remembering in general - names, dates, names of diseases and drugs, the list is endless. If I forget your birthday, forgive me!
   5. I’m not married but I celebrate anniversaries.
   6. If you gave me a jar of green olives, NOM NOM NOM, and you’ll have no idea where it went. They are from heaven.
   7. I want to be a paediatric surgeon one day insha’Allah. But I wouldn’t mind being a teacher.
   8. If you have a packet of cookies, you can bribe me to do pretty much anything (nearly).
   9. I don’t know why I am still making this list, it has taken me 20 minutes just to write the last 8 facts.
3. This is the second hardest thing I find…
   1. Ella Unread (From the STUPIDEST corner of my mind)  is a blogger that I recently discovered. Though I haven’t read much of her writing, but from the little I have read of her poems, I have to say they are beautiful. You may read one of her poems and nod your head in agreement because they are just so…human.
   2. Kamila’s blog (Basket of Dreams), is full of sugar and spice and all things nice. She writes about so many different things I don’t where to start. But one thing is true, after reading her blog you’ll want to do some of the ideas she proposes because they are just so cool!
   3. Apart from the fact that AcetylCholine (Critical Velocity) is a bad influence on me Martian (I think ), she writes about everything and nothing from the umpteen number of Ipod headphones she’s been through, or more recently how cytochrome bc1 complex lead to the invention of a cuss word. Her style makes it worth reading.
   4. Gelovsky (GELOVSKY ^_^) is an optimist, sarcastic and fantastic who is another blogger I have recently started following.
   5. Pooja (Just Breathe) is honest, straight up and living life to the full. No beating around the bush one may say, and that is why I think she is deserving of this award. Keep, smiling, keep eating the Gulab Jamuns⁵ and keep living!
   6. The person with no name an undisclosed name (TheraScribbles) suffers from depression and started writing as a way of helping. The blog is extremely thought provoking, eye-opening and inspiring.
   7. Hijabi Hippie Hypo (Hijabi Hippie Hypo & Overcoming Obstacles) hasn’t written for a very long time and so I hope this gives her reason to change that. Her blog is always a pleasure to read, full of pictures, drawings, book and film reviews; there’s always something new to keep you interested.
   8. Leah’s (My Tasty Treasures) blog is tasty and one of the major reasons why is because it requires the reader to think, and asks questions. There are lots of pretty pictures coupled with wonderful bits of prose.
   9. Furree Katt (The Jackky Bhagnani Obsession) deserves this award because I once gave her an award that she gave to me. That’s like someone giving you a gift and you giving it back to them, which is not very nice. And so to make up for it, I’m giving her this, for her passionate, interesting and funny writing.

Have a lovely weekend everyone. :)

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Title: Story of my life – Bon Jovi
¹Lyrics from the same song as the title
²For your story, Part 2 – page 8. 
³Psalms 126:5
⁴Young Forever – Jay Z feat. Mr Hudson
⁵Gulab Jamun – A popular sweet eaten in the subcontinent.

It is that time of year when people sit down and reminisce over the happenings of the year that is reaching its end.  The good times bring laughter and the sad times bring with them a silence which in it self is louder than any other sound. But it’s not the past that I dwell on, for it is something that we can not change, cannot undo, cannot repeat but instead I look in the mirror and note what I have become. Am I happy by what I see? From being that individual who used to give others endopolitis (don’t Google it, you wont find it) I am in need of being infected by it. I’m a lot quieter, a lot more reserved, but that doesn’t mean I don’t take part and enjoy. I’ve learned to appreciate the value of family (yeah, smelly brothers included), the wonders of friends and friendship, the significance of the other small things we overlook and take for granted; the coffee dates, the laughter and having someone to give a hug. I’ve come to realise we do not remember days, we remember moments.

Uh, and I heard ‘em say, nothin’ ever promised tomorrow today.
But we’ll find a way
And nothing lasts forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it may be the only way.
They say people in your life are seasons,
And anything that happen is for a reason…¹

*****

When I started blogging back in August, I remember sitting there for ages just thinking of a title. That was probably the hardest part of it all. After consistent nagging from a few friends (Supz in particular) Closing Pandora’s Box was given a virtual birth. At that time I couldn’t even dream of having so many followers let alone receive a blog award, all thanks of which go to Furree Katt, who gave it to me. Thank you Furreeeeeeeeeeeeee. :)

According to the rules, I have to state 7 facts about me and award it to 7 others. Then those 7 people will have to do the same. So here goes:

7 facts about me you probably* didn’t know:

1. I eat when I am bored. And if I stop eating when I am bored then you know I am extremely bored.
2. I rarely ever get spots on my face, but when I do, they’re always in the same few annoying places.
3. I have never eaten prawns. Most people when they hear that have an ‘inviting fly moment’ which basically looks something like .
4. I write out every blog post by hand first using a special pen before finally typing it up onto Windows Live Writer. Even then there are countless mistakes.
5. I absolutely, very muchly, totally love adore football. I’m a bit of a fanatic really, borderline obsession some may say. Manchester United all the way!
6. I have the concentration span of a cucumber. Sitting in lectures I get distracted less than half the way through and start writing poems, drawing, texting, or just eating.
7. I absolutely, very muchly, totally hate despise writing about myself. I just don’t know where to start really or what to say. Ummm...

7 bloggers who I give this award to, in no particular order:

1. Smiley’s (╚» š ρ α я к ℓ ι n g š м ι ℓ є š «╝) was the only blog that I used to read before starting my own. Her writing is uh-maz-ing (is that spelt right?!); being extremely captivating, full of humour and so naturally written. (forgive me!)
2. Yours Truly ({{ Yours Truly }} ) writes very rarely, but when she writes, she writes absolute gems. Write more youuuuu!
3. Furree Katt (The Jackky Bhagnani Obsession) was the one who gave me this award and though it is slightly weird to give the same award back to the person who gave it to you, I must do it for one simple reason. Before I started blogging I used to dislike Bollywood a LOT, but it is because of Furree’s undying love of Jackky that I’m willing to give it another chance. Oh and her blog is very very lovely to read.
4. Alice (Alice in Galaxyland) was recommended to us by one of our lecturers at university. Her blog, mainly about science and all related matters, is extremely interesting, oozing with logic and lots of mind-blowingly amazing pictures.
5. Street Guru (What the world needs now...) writes posts that are full of inspiration or food for thought. Every post has something for everyone to take away and it really does live up to the title.
6. Alpha Za (Home of the Snapping Turtle) is an excellent writer. He writes about current (and relevant) matters in such a witty manner you can’t help but shout Bravo! while LMAO-ing or ROFL-ing.
7. рεяfεcтℓγ▪ιмpзяfзcт’s (I haven't lost my mind.) is a blog I recently started following. It’s quite good actually, the striking i have no fear honesty with which it is written is really intriguing.

This will probably be my last post of the year. So I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year. Don’t look back on the past with tears in your eyes, but open up your arms and embrace what the new year has to offer. Go that extra mile, treat yourself, give yourself what you truly deserve, don’t settle for second best. I remember talking to someone at the beginning of this year of all the hard work and the challenges that were looming ahead and he said something quite simple yet so profound:

There will always be obstacles and challenges in whatever you do, try not to think of them as such, think of them as being opportunities and that way you’ll be less daunted. Think of it like this, you’ve only got once chance, you’ve got the opportunity, don’t let it pass you. Grasp them whenever you can.

May this new year bring you all happiness, success, love, but most importantly may it bring you what you deserve; the fulfilment of your prayers and wishes.

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* Some of you may already know some of these things, hence the emphasis on ‘probably’.
Title: Home – Michael Bublé
¹ Heard ‘em say – Kayne West ft. Adam Levine

Many hundreds of people walk through our lives each day but only those who love us, and whom we love, and those that care for us, and those for whom we care leave their footprints engraved on our heart.

What does it feel like many people ask. Sometimes it feels so very much like fear. That same fluttering in the stomach I get while standing at the top of a very tall structure and looking down below, the same agitation and that same restlessness. Sometimes there is that dry mouth because the swallowing wont stop. Sometimes it makes me feel so detached and so alone, as if there is an invisible barrier between me and the world. The words people speak, the things they say just doesn’t seem to register. Or maybe it’s just hard to want to understand, it can be so uninteresting. I fear the moments when I am alone.

Some days a little voice inside me shouts out from the depths and tries to assure me that it really isn’t that much of a big deal. After all, people come and go, so what is different about death? I was happy before I met Charley. It happens to everyone and people move on. As I contemplate, I am left ashamed listening to what my mind says. On the other hand it does speak sense. But then something happens, or I hear something, or see a picture, or visit a place and memories flood back like a gushing river. Every single particle of ‘rationality’, ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ is swept away by tears of grief. It is then you are left sitting alone on that park bench with nothing but darkness and cold surrounding you. Just so alone.

This is the park bench Charley and I used to sit on. I took this picture of the snow covered park while on one of my midnight walks – 2^nd Dec 2010, 01.55am.

*****

Over the years, many people have tried to explain ‘grief’ to me using all sorts of analogies. While at the hospice training one day, we were discussing this matter and the coordinator explained a few different models of grief. I’ll explain one of them here:

This first circle (left) represents you, me, him, her and everyone in their normal ‘grief-free’ state. The greatest worry or problem we have to deal with is what pair of jeans to wear in the morning or what sandwich to buy at lunch. Life is okay with no major drama but being humans we still complain.

The flaming red and orange in the circle on the right is representative of grief. Grief felt after the ending of a long term relationship or the bereavement following the death of someone very dear. It is totally overwhelming and takes over us (the whole circle of ‘us’ is full of it).

Most people assume that over time the grief due to a bereavement or loss for example, will lessen and there may even come a stage when it completely disappears. In this ‘assumption’ we don’t really change as a person, it’s the grief which changes. After all, time is a great healer is it not?

In reality however, the grief doesn’t change. It is always there. We just grow around it, learning and developing ways to cope so that it hurts less and less each day. This is how I like to think of it. The human brain is an amazing thing. The way it can store, recall, sort and process information is just mind boggling. I think grief is like constantly playing music; it’s always there in the background but your mind learns to block it out. If you’ve ever sat in a classroom with a road just outside, you’ll initially hear the cars going past. But as the lesson progresses and you get stuck into your maths or English or whatever, you no longer hear the cars. You’ll only notice them when you look out the window and concentrate on them. Grief is the same. After some time, which may be a few hours, a few days, weeks, months or even years it becomes like music playing gently in the background.

*****

Tomorrow (18^th Dec 2010) would have been her 21^st birthday. On her 18^th, standing in the freezing cold at the edge of the river Thames, we made so many plans and so many promises for the years to come. I remember holding a warm cup of coffee in my shaking hand and telling her, ‘Whatever you plan for your next big one, just make sure it’s somewhere warm. I’m giving you three years to think of something.’ But there wasn’t to be a 21^st, there are just memories.

Though we all take trips to the city of memories, we have no choice but to come back because unfortunately they are only trips. In our remembrance of the dead, we can not forget the living. Today is the birthday of a lovely friend of mine; Rosaline Lifeo. May the Almighty grant you a long and healthy life. May it be like being on a ferris wheel, dominated with that indescribable feeling of limitless happiness and awe when you are the top. But when you are at a low may you have the strength, the faith and the belief that it will only be temporary.

Come to think of it, life isn’t that much different from a ferris wheel. The only difference being we buy the ticket for one and are given the ticket for the other. Otherwise, both the rides have their ups and down and regardless of what happens, they both go on.

*****

 

They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being. It’s like no-one told them that’s the hardest thing in the world. I’m left not with what she took from me but with what with she brought. Eyes that finally saw me for what I am. And this certainty that nothing, nothing is set in stone, not even darkness. – Dexter, Season 5, Episode 12.

We meet new people each and every day wherever we are. Some of them we stop to talk to. Others we go out of our way and make the effort to talk to. Connections are laid and a relationship is made. The hardest thing I think is maintaining those connections and keeping them living. In my remembrance of the dead I must not overlook those whose footprints are engraved so deeply on my heart that time shall never be able to erase them. In my remembrance of the dead I must not hurt those who give me a reason to live. In my remembrance of the dead I must never forget those who teach me how to keep going. I will not forget them. <3

(I hope you understand this person with no name, this one is for you and all those who I know are grieving or have grieved. I will not forget you)