Closing Pandora's Box

It’s bee a very long time since you last wrote. You write very inspirative post,” said the General.

A few days ago, I decided to step outside into the garden and go looking for bugs. I didn’t get very far as the grass was too long; hugging my shins and almost reaching up to my knees in other places. And so, I sat down a few steps away from the kitchen door and watched. I sat there for over an hour. I saw life, I saw order, I saw determination, and I saw hope. Seeing and looking are two different things, but that’s a discussion for a different day. I was looking at weed filled grass but seeing something else. I’d like to share with you two photographs I took on my phone and you can tell me whether after looking you too can see that which I did.

Next to my leg on the right side was a dandelion and on the left some tiny pink flowers, through which were crawling many little insects. I watched them as they moved about on legs thinner than a single strand of my hair, gracefully scuttling about, almost as if playing hide and seek with me and my phone. But luckily (for me) there was one insect, so engrossed in what it was doing, it didn’t care about what I was doing, and so I took a picture of it.

 

It is normal for us to be so dazzled by surrounding beauty like of the flower, that we do not even notice the real beauty; the beauty of the effort put in by the miniscule insect to conquer the flower and reach its destination. In the same way in our lives it is those things, those people, that we take for granted who become like the insect in the picture above (do you see it?), that get forgotten in the presence of something seemingly more beautiful regardless of how temporary it is. Yet they are always there, trying and trying again, not giving up on what they believe, not giving up on you because that’s who they are and what they do. (Thank you, my dear insects friends).

They say, blow the dandelion away, make a wish and it’ll come true. And they wish for you to do this and that, so you give and give from the kind depths of your mortal heart, till there seems to be nothing more to give. You are left hanging and it takes so much strength. Hang in there my dear, have faith, grit your teeth together and remember the insect, unfazed by anything around it. The thing about being strong is that no-one asks how you are, or how you feel. So let me ask you now, ‘how are you today?’

_________________________________

Photograph of insect climbing flower taken from personal photography available here.
Photograph of blown away dandelion taken from person photography available here.

The following post is by a good friend who used to blog herself once. She had posted this before on her blog, but seeing as it is a highly pertinent issue today, which many people may find themselves in, I asked her if I could use it to share with my readers. She agreed. Thank you ever so much Smiley, you gem.

*****

“So, did anyone call today?” Zack asked popping a spoonful of spaghetti into his mouth. He was starving.

“Mum rang this morning asking whether we had received the parcel she sent and then Ryan rang later this afternoon,” Sammy said pouring a glass of water and taking a huge gulp.

“Ryan?”

“Yeah, Ryan from London. You remember him?”

“What did he want?” Zack asked starting to chew slowly.

“Oh nothing much, we were just talking about stuff, you know,” Sammy said reaching for a spaghetti string from Zack’s plate. She slipped it into her mouth and took a seat next to him on the couch.

“What stuff?”

“Well, he told me he went to see his mum today. I told you his parents are separated, didn’t I? And then he said we should come down to London during the summer break. He said he'd love to meet you,” Sammy laughed, remembering Ryan’s words.

“How long did you guys talk for?”

“About forty five minutes I think, not sure. It was good to talk to him. He said he left me something on my Facebook wall,”

“Did you check?”

“No, didn’t get time. Been revising all day,” Sammy stifled a yawn, took the empty plate from Zack’s hands and placed it on the table. She sat back on the couch, stretched her legs out and placed her head in Zack’s lap. He reached for the remote and started flicking through the channels.

“How’s that going?”

“Booooring. I missed you today. The day just went on and on and on,” Sammy said looking up into his face. Strands of dark unkempt hair fell into eyes. She studied the long column of his throat as her fingers played with the buttons on his white shirt. They'd been married for forty four days now.

“Really? That bad, aye?” his eyes twinkled with warm amusement. “And don’t you ruin this shirt of mine, I think it’s the only wearable one left in my whole wardrobe, thanks to you!” He grinned. Sammy laughed and tugged a little harder at the button.

“You’re worried more about your shirts, huh?” she said, looking away pretending to pout. He turned her face back and kissed her cute button nose.

“So what you say, we go to London this summer?” He pulled the ribbon out of her hair and let it fall loose. He loved her hair.

“Yeah that would be great,”

“We could go to Bath and visit my old uncle and aunty too, ain’t seen them lot for ages,” Zack said smirking remembering how his wife disliked his old fashioned family.Sammy punched him in the chest.

“Ha ha. Very funny! Ryan mentioned Bath; he said it was a lovely place to visit for a day,”

Zack’s hand paused its play of her hair.

“Can you just stop that,” he said suddenly.

“Stop what?”

“Ryan. You’re always talking about him. Ryan this and Ryan that,”

“No I’m not,”

Sammy sat up, lifting her head from his lap. The moment was gone replaced by something else.

“Yes you are. It’s always you and Ryan,”

“There’s no me and Ryan. What you talking about?”

Zack got up off the couch and faced her. His face was turning a slight shade of pink and all humour had vanished from his tired eyes.

“I bet there is,” He said ever so quietly.

There was silence in the room as Sammy stared at him, unable to believe what she was hearing.

“That’s just crazy. He’s just a really good friend that I met on Facebook. The guy lives a million miles away, don’t know what…”

“Oh so that’s what it is, is it?” he cut her short. “So if he was closer things would be different, is that it?”

“Hell no. That’s not what I meant. You’re taking it the wrong way Zack,”

“Am I? I don't think so!” He was shouting now

“Look, he’s just a friend. He’s helped me through a lot….”

“You care about him?”

“What?”

“I asked do you care about him.”

“Well of course I care about him, he’s my friend, Zack,” Sammy said, her voice quivered. She was hurt. She didn’t know where this was going.

“You know when mum and dad got divorced he was the only person I had who I could talk to. He’s always been there for me. Our friendship is special. I don’t see what the big deal is," She looked away as the memories came flooding back.

“The big deal? You want to know the big deal? You’re always going on about him and I’m sick and tired of it! Before the wedding you couldn’t stop talking about him and all your incredibly fun times together," he waved his hands around the room, the words coming out like a fierce storm. "You were even talking to him on our wedding day. And now look at you. How do you think that makes me feel? He’s helped…”

“What on earth is that supposed to...”

“Just shut up!” he spat the words at her and Sammy’s eyes widened. Zack never spoke to her like that. His jaw was tight, his eyes icy. He was angry. He looked up into her face and took a step towards her. Fear suddenly gripped Sammy. Zack would never hit her.

“It’s either me or him, do you hear?” he whispered the words close to her face. She didn’t say anything, too shocked to open her mouth. She didn’t recognize this Zack.

He turned around, grabbed his mobile and keys from the table and walked towards the door.

“Zack! This is crazy,” she said to his back as he walked out the room.

“Zack!” she called.

She heard the front door open and her pulse raced.

“Zack! Where are you going?”

There was silence.

And then the door slammed shut.

@Smiiiiiiiiley_x

*****

What do you think? Have you ever been in such a situation, be it as Zack, Ryan or Sammy?

_________________________________

Brother: You’re dizzzzzzy bruv!

Me: Errrr, do you even know what that means?

Brother: It’s like crazy or weird.

Me: *rolls eyes* I’m not crazy or weird. What you on?

Brother: YES you are! And now you’re annoyed. And you haven’t said a single nice thing to me this morning. You’re always depressed. And you never laugh except when you’re playing tik tik¹ or when you’re on your laptop talking to your girlfriend.

Me: Shut up you idiot! I don’t have a girlfriend. T_T

2^nd Jan 2011

*****

Occasions like the beginning of a new year or a birthday allow us to take out the measuring stick and see how much we have grown, see how much we changed over the last year, and determine where we are standing. It gives us an opportunity to blow the dust off the goals and resolutions we set ourselves at the beginning of the previous year and take a break from the daily grind of life and see where the world has taken us. Are we still standing at the cross-roads lost, with no direction, no purpose, or have we found a path, our path, leading us where we want to go?

Here are my resolutions for this new year (in no particular order), and you can ask me at the end of this year if I was able to fulfil any of them:

• Stop being so nice and yet overall be more nice to people (refer to conversation with little brother above). Don’t ask me to explain this one.
• Survive next semester and make time for people even when there is little time. I’ll show you my weekly timetable once uni is in full swing.
• Stop procrastinating Procrastinate less. I don’t think a 10,000 word dissertation can be written the night before. Maybe it can. I haven’t tried so don’t know. Hmm… Cutting down on the time wasting would help too.
• Smile more and actually be happy for at least 10 minutes a day. Maybe it’s time to start smiling lessons in front of the mirror.
• Improve my vocabulary, and add more long and weird jargon words to my lexicon. The longest word I know at the moment is probably ‘hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis’. SHUSH! it is a word and not 3 words with dashes in between.
• Write in my diary more. Yes I have a diary. Not a ‘Dear diary’ type diary, but a diary.
• Try not to forget any birthdays or anniversaries this year. I’ve started writing them in my year planner though I have forgotten a lot of the dates. Eeeek! Send me your dates people.
• Try and give library books back at the right time. Once I got a fine of £32.50. I could have bought 6 copies of that same book and still had money left over for some chicken and chips.
• Create a TV booking sheet, as to allow me to book my rightful place in front of the TV when Manchester United matches are on.
• Get a new job and somehow fit it around my already cramped weekly schedule.
• Rediscover the Nas I remember as a distant memory. Time to finally come out the closet I think.  NO Not THAT closet. I’ve never been in THAT closed. Will elaborate on this one later. Just remind me.
• Reference all my blog posts properly so that Furree Katt knows where my titles come from.
• Eat more badaam (almonds). UPDATED – 20 minutes after having initially posted.
• Learn to realise when food is hot and safe to eat. Just burnt my tongue AGAIN eating my fav daahl. UPDATED 2/01/11 @ 20.58.
• Remember to update this list, and actually stick to it.

We should not just celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new one, we should celebrate the end of every day knowing we made someone happy and start the next one hoping we can do it again...²

Last time I was at the bank waiting in the queue to pay a bill, I heard the following from an amazing little girl, who was no more than 9 or 10, talking to her friend and it brought a smile to my face:

This is my last cookie, and I’m only giving it to you because you’re my best friend. I hope you like it.

Would YOU share your last cookie?

Smile! And make those around you smile. :)

_________________________________

Title: Machines – Biffy Clyro
¹ Tik Tik, noun. A game played by my brother and I in our bedroom upstairs with a shuttlecock and hardback books. Rules are similar to badminton. It was named as such by the mother. Injuries experienced are predominantly to do with the fingers.
² Quote from http://www.boardofwisdom.com/ which I read on another blog.

Don’t leave it till tomorrow for tomorrow doesn’t exist. Those people who say they will do it tomorrow never usually get round to doing it. You don’t know what could happen tomorrow so do it (or say it) when you have the chance – My mother.

You have probably heard something along the same lines as the quote above. In your case it may also have been a parent, a carer, a friend or Mr I talk inspiration on the TV. Therefore I’m not going to say much about it but will leave you a beautiful poem I came across today:

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would tape each word and action, and play them back throughout my days
If I knew it would be the last time, I would spare an extra minute or two,
To stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you know I do.

So just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never will forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
And you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
That you love them very much, and you'll always hold them dear.
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

If tomorrow never comes – Norma Marek

*****

Recently, someone asked me to write a post dedicated to my friends. This is for you; you who I see at uni every week, you who used to remind me to eat badaam (almonds) in the mornings, you who I met on valentine's day so many years ago, you whose BMW is the envy of many men, you who I shall talk to on that park bench one day, you who are new and you and you and you.

A few days ago I was reading the news and came across the following article:

You can read the full article here. If you choose not to read the full article I’ll give you a brief summary of what it contains. If you have read it then feel free to skip the next paragraph.

A study carried out be researchers at Oxford University involving more than 500 participants, aged 18 or over, found that as we enter into a romantic relationship we do so at the cost of losing a few of our intimate friends. These friends are those who we would go to ‘at moments of crisis’. When we are in a fresh new relationship our support network can becomes smaller as we no longer spend as much quality time with those people that are close in our lives.

This topic of ‘love’ has been on my mind all summer. Love is a great thing, something the world really needs nowadays and we all know of it’s good aspects. But I’m going to look at it from the butt end and analyse some of the negative things or problems it can lead to.

Blind love or a blind you?

A few days after the beginning of Ramadhan I popped onto MySpace early in the morning just to check if I had any new messages or other notifications. It was 5.00 am so I wasn’t planning on staying for too long. In my inbox there was a message from a friend I had not spoken to for a good few months: “I could really do with talking to someone like you right now.” That’s all it said. It was sent just 5 minutes before so I signed onto MySpace chat to see if the person was online. She was. Turned out she was on holiday in Mexico visiting family and while there something had happened which upset her boyfriend back home here in England. No matter how many times she apologised and begged him to forgive her, she would still end up crying herself to sleep at night because of the hateful things he said. Another friend was madly in love with a guy who returned her love by calling her hurtful names and giving her nothing but grief. But being so head over heels in love she was just accepting it all; wiping away the tears of today hoping tomorrow would be better. Why the hell are you letting yourself be hurt so much?

People say love is blind but after thinking about it a bit and observing others in love, I’ve come to realise actually it’s not love which is blind. It will make YOU blind. Love is a good thing and being in love is great too. But some people are so obsessed by the whole thing to such an extent that they allow themselves to be used and trodden over repeatedly day after day and still cling onto the old memories of the way things were. Even when the other person obviously doesn’t ‘care’ any more and doesn’t ‘love’ them any more, they are unwilling to let go. Lying, cheating, breaking promises are all signs that maybe things have reached their end.

I guess you have to find out whether the happiness you derive from a relationship outweighs the trouble or tears it brings you. In some relationships you observe that one person spends their days in tears, in hurt and in sorrow and this has been going on for a very long time. It is those people especially who need to ask themselves whether the pains they face every day are worth it. When it comes to that stage, I think there are 2 choices. Firstly you can either keep going, hoping that things will get better. But how long will you wait? From what you can tell, it seems like the hurt isn’t going stop any time soon. The other choice I think, and most favourable one is letting go and saving yourself from a ship that has already started sinking and from which the other person took the lifeboat. Yes it’ll hurt too, but at least this time it wont be constant. At least this way the pain will lessen day by day and you can actually deal with it without having crap thrown at you all the time.

When you ask someone why they’re in a relationship from which the love and happiness has died, they either say, ‘because I love them’ or ‘I dunno.’ That’s when you know love has clouded their vision and is stopping them from seeing the pain they are allowing others to inflict on them. Like my lovely friend said, it can sometimes be insecurity and fear of being lonely. If you asked me, I’d rather be single and happy, than in a ‘relationship’ that would give me grey hair.

Nothing’s free, not even love

Back to the topic of the article that I have included above. Professor Dunbar, one of the members of the team that carried out this study says:

“The intimacy of a relationship – your emotional engagement with it – correlates very tightly with the frequency of your interactions with those individuals. If you don’t see people, the emotional engagement starts to drop off, and quickly.”

I think he’s got a very valid point. In our happiness of a new love, we spend so much time with them that sometimes we forget all those other people who were with us before. Those people, that helped us up every time we fell. Those people who we would run to in our times of need. It’s a big slap in the face to them when you no longer reply to their messages and texts or have time to go out with them or in some cases even have time to listen to them. Though people rarely ever say it out loud, but trust me they sure do feel it. And slowly slowly you begin to drift apart. It sucks.

I was discussing this with one of my friends yesterday and she said:

“Yes. It sure does. But in a way you can’t really blame anyone, it just happens yano.”

I agree with her completely. It isn’t really anyone’s fault as such but isn’t it a bit of a high price to pay for something that may not even last a week? And when it does screw-up, you’ve just lost yourself a friend who you would go to in such a situation. But it’s always avoidable right? You just have to play your cards right.

But then again, you may ask, you’ve never loved, how would you know? Question is, have I?

I like writing. It's my pressure valve which I can use to relieve the excessive build-up of emotions and feelings that sometimes threaten to blow me up. It's a way I can put down onto paper things that are eating me up on the inside so that I can face them and deal with them.
There is one such piece of writing, which when I showed to a few friends of mine they suggested I should share it with others for reasons you'll find out when you read it for yourself. I started writing this back in February, a few days after my birthday and it's only just recently that I have completed it. Many of you have been waiting to read this 'story' for a long time and at first I had decided to put it into one pdf file which could be easily downloaded. But seeing as how time consuming that is, I shall now upload each part as I finish typing it. This is where it begins...