Closing Pandora's Box

As my drought for words continues, I asked another of my lovely friends to write something for me. This time it was Max. After reading what she had written I’ve decided the ‘write whatever you want policy’ is not going to work. You’ve probably heard a lot about me in the last few posts and will hear more in the next part of the interview. So next time, there will be no writing about me. Anyway, without further ado, let me share with you Max’s piece:

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Dee Dee (My name for Nas) asked me to write a blog post about anything I wanted. I’m not much of a writer; I find it hard enough to write essays. The only “writing” that I probably do is texting (LOL) and rambling in my diary. But anyway, I said I would do it for him so here I go.

Firstly, I want to tell you why I call Nas ‘Dee De’. It all started when we met, about 5 years ago (crikey) through the world of MySpace. His screen name on msn was ‘Red Devil’, so I began calling him ‘Devil’ for ages. That is until I got really lazy of saying and typing Devil so it got cut down to a single letter, ‘D’. One day we were talking about Dexter the cartoon, and I wanted to name Nas after ‘Dee Dee’- Dexter’s sister! =P. And thus Nas came to be known as Dee Dee.

When Dee Dee said that I could write about ANYTHING, only one thing came into mind; the time when he helped me through the hardest part of my life. In my darkest hour, he was the only one I could turn to. Even though he was in the opposite side of the country, every word he said made such a big difference. I was ready to give up, give up on life, give up on the future that I now have and give up on everything for the sake of others. But Dee Dee showed me that I would never be happy and in turn the happiness of others would fade fast too. I was so low that the only solution I could think of was to disappear. Literally, disappear from this world. But he made me realise that would be selfish and made me think about the ones most dear to me, like my little brother and sister, my best friends but most importantly, ME. He made me love life again, find my happiness and gave me strength to stand up for myself. He pushed me to strive and pursue my future goals. He reminded me of who I should be, not who I could be if I gave up.

I owe Dee Dee my life. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here today. Even though we are yet to meet in person, it does not make a difference to how true the friendship is. He is one of the few people who I would call a true, real, honest and genuine best friend. There have been ups and downs, but without the downs, it wouldn’t be real or honest. Having problems only helps to make you stronger as a person and gives a chance for you to learn and strive; just how Dee Dee once said to me.

If you are one of the few who have met and or know Dee Dee, you are as lucky as I am. He is one to love, cherish and keep close to your hearts.

I would like to finish by sharing a story with you that I read a few years ago, which has become tattooed onto my mind. I hope those of you that read it are able to learn something from it and also enjoy it:

The Emperor Moth & the Struggle

The emperor moth is the most majestic species among all the moths. It has wide wings spanning out majestically when it flies. Before it can become a full grown moth, it has to be a pupa in a cocoon. Now, the interesting fact about the moth’s cocoon is that the neck of the cocoon is very narrow. In order that that it becomes a moth, the pupa of the moth must squeeze its way out of the narrow neck.

One day a man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. He sat and watched the moth struggling to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further. It just seemed to be stuck.

Then the man, in his perceived kindness decided to help the moth. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth was then able to emerge easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shrivelled wings. He expected that the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shrivelled wings. It was never able to fly. A few days later, it died.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it could be ready for flight, once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the emperor moth of health.

You see, the struggles of life, heartaches and pains are necessary if you want to be great. Instead of cursing them, understand them while you are experiencing them. They are part of the making of a man / woman.

*****

I’d like to thank Max for the extremely kind words, but more importantly for sharing such a beautiful and inspiring story from which we can all benefit. There are times when we all feel like the emperor moth, helpless, unable to breathe  and trapped with no way out, but with perseverance, struggle, and continued effort we can break free from our bondages and learn to fly. The last paragraph of the story sums it up rather nicely.

[This is a scheduled post]

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Title: Hey there Delilah – Plain White T’s
Picture of Dexter and Dee Dee taken from here
Story of the Emperor Moth taken from here

[The Interview - Part 1]

There’ll be more questions going up soon, The General wasn’t going to let me off so easily! Have YOU ever wanted to ask me anything? If so, this is your chance. You can ask me any question you like (yes just the one) in a comment or email and I promise to answer it honestly, if I can, in the next interview post.

And with that I say Au Revior  and wish you all a very happy weekend.

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Title: Who are you – The Who

I’ve been wanting to write a long, thought-provoking and interesting post for quite some time and though I have many ideas swishing around in my head, I just can’t seem to get them out onto paper in a coherent manner. So I thought I’d request someone to guest blog for me.

Many of you have heard of The General. He is a very good friend of mine from university. Last week I asked him to do a guest post. “You can write about anything,” I said. “As long as it’s appropriate. And I promise to publish it.” Of all the topics in the world he could have chosen, he chose to write about me. This is what he had to say:

*****

This is how I think Nas’ Homunculus (a place in the brain that provides a picture of the body) interprets him. But ET is missing the curly eyelashes though.

This is an image from Tiny Tempeh's ‘Pass out’ video. Despite it being a stereo with water droplets vibrating down to the music being played full blast, it could also represent the up and downs of life. Sometimes you are totally clueless and ignore/neglect things/people closest to you when you shouldn’t, or sometimes you attempt to deal with the problem head on. Nas always preaches the latter and I respect him for it even though sometimes I don’t take his advice when I clearly should. He is always there for me and always a phone call or text away when I get bad news or even when I have good news. He is like my rock, and is one of the few people that I can classify as being a stable aspect in my life. I know he can be a bit weird at times, and maybe a bit annoying (to be honest I am describing myself but deflecting my insecurities onto him lol), but I like his attitude in which peoples negative opinions, despite being irritating, do not appear to affect him even a tiny bit. I know this sounds a bit cheesy but ‘I would walk a thousand miles if I could just see you’ (Vanessa Carlton) and even if he decided to go back to his homeland, I would drop everything and still go to visit him. I could describe Mr Nas by writing pages and pages, illustrating how awesome he is, but in order to be short and concise, I just wish our friendship lasts for as long as it can and withstands the monsoon floods and erosion that the previously known ‘East Pakistan’ is so used to. This may be the first and last blog post that I write so I hope this gives you guys an insight into how truly great Nas really is.

*****

I’d like to thank The General for these extremely kind words that I now have to live up to. As for the interview, we have had 2 sessions of questions and you shall be able to read all about it in the next post.

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Title: ET – Katy Perry
Picture 1 showing ET taken from here
Picture 2 showing water droplets on a stereo taken from here

Each person is like a jotter, the days of their life penned on the pages within. Some pages are covered in squares, each minute detail, pre-planned and organised is written meticulously in the separate boxes. Others are scribbled onto lined paper. There is some order retained in these days too, but at times when the things don’t go as planned or too well, the flow of the words can be seen to break apart, no longer comfortably hugging the line. There are some pages that are completely blank for the days that cannot be described in coherent sentences, thus abstract words, feelings, pictures or colours do them better justice. Each day our story is recorded. There are some who are able to translate these writings into the words of man. He was never really a writer, but this is his story.

*****

His eyes were bloodshot. Each askew streak of blood represented a tribulation, rarely his, that had kept him awake at night. The redness shrieked STOP, they had seen enough already. Remnants of dark bags sagged under the burdens of what he had witnessed. The French say ‘les yeux sont le miroir de l'âme,’¹ but when people looked into his eyes they saw nothing. There was no light behind them that would illuminate the secrets of his soul. It was like a black hole; you could observe things that went in, but if you stepped too close and looked too hard, you too would be sucked into the nothingness.

His skin was really quite soft and smooth, except on the hands and feet. The soles had been roughened by the treacherous paths of his journey through life and the hands hardened by moving the obstacles that were blocking his way. He tried to take good care of his skin, as well as he possibly could. Deep cleansing face wash followed by a healthy layer of a special brand of moisturiser in the morning usually did the trick.

The hair on his head took care of itself. It wasn’t too long and neither was it too short. Somewhere in between; of a length through which he could pass his fingers but not long enough to blinker his vision. Like grass, it would dance to the slightest of songs played by the wind and settle down appropriately without a fuss when the music stopped. He rarely ever used hairsprays, gels or waxes except on special occasions. But even then sometimes he just didn’t bother with the effort. It was lighter than it had once been and hidden among the dark matte black streaks of white could be seen, unwanted like weeds that had invaded.

People said he looked older than he really was, but what is age? And older compared to what? He put Aloe Vera Vaseline on his parched lips to give them some shine and practiced his smile in front of the mirror for the last time. Then he left.

Yes I know I have a really long eye lashes, and no I don’t curl them.

*****

I don’t talk much about myself. It’s just not something I enjoy doing. There are a select few people who I do talk to about everything but sometimes a flicker in their eyes makes we wonder whether some of them really couldn’t care less. Anyway, that’s not the point. Because of my few word attitude, the General has a notion in his head that when I leave the walls of university, I turn into some gangster pimp with three girlfriends; muffin, AK, and I can’t even remember the last one. So to dispel all these mind wanderings of his I have promised to give him an open, no restrictions imposed interview on Sunday. That’s in two days time. Knowing the General and some of the things that go on inside that head of his, I have a really bad feeling I’m going to regret this. But it was a promise and so it shall happen. I owe two other people interviews too but I think one of them has completely forgotten.

Today the guys celebrated Dum’s birthday which was last month on the 27^th. I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. I’ve been getting ill quite a LOT recently and finally got an appointment, the only appointment, today. It made me really sad.

In other news, I have made an about.me page the idea of which I found on Gian Faye’s blog, Loading Info. Her blog is really cool and focuses on the internet and all things related. There have been many instances when I have read something on her blog about a website or a program and after having done so, made use of it. You can find the link to my about.me page it on the right hand side. I have also made a twitter because my phone has a twitter app. But I don’t really know how to use it so yeah.

That’s all for today folks. Have a lovely weekend.

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Title: Writer – Ellie Goulding
All photographs in this post are from my personal photography
¹Translation in English reads ‘the eyes are windows into the soul’

Exams finished on Wednesday and I don’t think I would have been able to do them without the help of the General, Little Miss Sunshine and Dummer. It was Dummer who made me start revising for the ‘immunity and infection’ module by sending me a word document full of so many words underlined in red. Without Little Miss Sunshine’s emails I very much doubt I would have been able to do much of the ‘Therapeutics: Protein to Patient’ exam. The General was just the General, helping here, there and everywhere. Thank you to all 3 of you and to everyone for your support, well wishes and early morning texts.

Before exams started, apart from revision there was the dissertation to do. It was titled, ‘sphingosine-1-phosphate induced reactive oxygen species production in microglia’ and the final book, 46 pages long, looked rather nice if I may say so myself. It was bound with red leather (knowing me are you surprised I picked that colour?) and I was quite happy with it in the end. I couldn’t stop opening it and flicking through the pages every few minutes.

*****

Yesterday I spent most of the day gardening. It was a chance for me to de-stress and get my mind off things. While mowing the grass, taking out weeds from the flower beds and watching the bees and other insects fly and crawl, I was made to think about life and people. I’d like to share some photos I took on my phone and the thoughts that accompanied them.

Life is full of doors; some have behind them countless opportunities to excel and others are opened or closed depending on the decisions we make. Whenever life offers you a door take a peep through because you never know, you may be kings or queens of your very own Narnia on the other side. Be careful you look properly before you walk in though, because it may just be an empty drop into nothingness.

Every gardener knows just how much of a problem weeds can be. They deprive flowers and other plants that you want to grow of nutrients, sunlight and space. If you rip off the shoots above the ground they disappear, yes, but only temporarily. They’ll keep growing back, again and again and again, year after year. It’s the same with problems each one of us faces in our day to day lives. If we shove them under the carpet, away from the view of the world, yes they’ll not be visible, but they’ll always be there. And as long as they’re there, well they will cause problems. To deal effectively with weeds you have to find the roots, yank them out and dispose of them. In the same way, when faced with a problem it’s best to deal with them at the root level (for that is the cause) and not the shoot level (for that is just what the root is exhibited as).

While clearing out the flower beds I noticed bees flying onto the flowers dancing from one to the other. Some would also come to these blue flowers (above), land on them but quickly fly away. It reminded me of people who hide behind a pretty face. When you get to know them properly however, you realise deep down inside they’re nothing but prickly buggers and if you get too close things can get messy.

In our garden we have had a rose arch. The top of the arch broke yesterday and after moving some of the branches around (and desi engineering) I managed to make it stand by itself. It made me realise the importance of support in our lives without which we too would fall. But more importantly it made me realise that once we have been helped on to our feet, we all have the strength to stand on our own without support.

At the base of the rose arch I noticed that many weeds had grown. In the same way as these plants were stealing nutrients and minerals from the rose plant, with little care for the latter, people also do the same. Some people come to you pretending to be friends bringing nice gifts and happiness. But when faced with the choice of you or both of you, they wouldn’t hesitate in leaving you behind.

It is for this reason that roses protect their beauty with thorns. That doesn’t necessarily mean people and other animals will stop touching them or stop causing them harm, but it does make the person think of their own safety before they do so. In the same way a Muslim lady protects her beauty by wearing a veil.

All throughout the day I was desperately trying to take a picture of a busy bee, as they flew around me. By the time my phone’s camera turned on, the bee would already have already buzzed off. Just as I was about to give up and go inside for lunch, another opportunity presented itself. You can see the result of it above.

*****

I wish you all a very happy, relaxing and enjoyable weekend wherever in the world you are.

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Title: Mary Mary quite contrary – Nursery Rhyme
All photographs in this post are from my personal photography

On Monday, I have immunity and infection lectures in the afternoon from 13.30-16.30 / 17.00. This week’s lectures were 2; mucosal immunology and the second one was on something to do with bacterial infections and investigating them. Half way through the first lecture I was overcome by sleep and it required an elbowing from Furbeed to wake me up. The second lecture was actually pretty useless so I took out The Times 2 crossword and for the first time ever (in recent days), the great minds of Furbeed and I solved the whole thing:

We started approximately 10 minutes into the second lecture and finished about 10 minutes before the end. The lecture was just over an hour long, so do the maths and work out how much time we spent on it. We started doing the code word on the right, but stopped when the lecture ended.

Because of my sleeping and doing crosswords in lectures I have a mountain of work to do. I have 2 essays to write for the end of the month (still need to read the original research articles and do some background work too), finish my dissertation for next month, and revise for exams. My first exam is in early May, and looking at the amount of work I have left myself, it makes me want to cry. Well not really. I’ve made myself a revision timetable and if I stick to that, I should hopefully be able to get everything done well in time.

In terms of blogging, I have started 3 posts, but haven’t got round to finishing any of them. As for blog reading, I read nearly every single blob blog people write, but don’t always comment due to the hectic rush that I seem to always be in now-a-days. Forgive me!

It’s about time I read my posts on the value of time, my new years resolutions and actually acted on them. Anyway, back to dissertation writing. *Yawn*

[This is a scheduled post]

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Title: Survivor – Destiny’s Child
Picture 1, showing completed crossword from personal photography.

‘Cause if you take your vitamins and pay your taxes and never cut the line, the universe still gives you people to love but lets them slip through your fingers like water. And then what are you left with? Vitamins and nothing.¹

 

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Title: Dream catch me – Newton Faulkner
¹Grey’s Anatomy – Season 7, episode 16; Not responsible.

I sat down, scattered my lecture notes all over the table looking for the ones on ‘Immune cell-cell interaction at the molecular level’, took my laptop out of my bag and turned it on ready to do some work. When it finally booted up, I smiled when I saw the post-it notes on my desktop:

(Click on the picture to enlarge and read the big green post-it)

The smiling didn’t last very long, when I realised I was now officially 21. TWENTY-ONE! But before my mind starts wandering down the ‘OMG you’re getting old’ path, I’m going to start making those notes I was going to. Plus, I have a lot of other work to do as well, just take a look at the other post-its. And their cheekiness, I have to buy 3 twirls now. 8-)

And thank you to all you lubbbbbly jubbbbly people who have sent me cards and messages and mails already! <3

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Title: City of blinding lights – U2
Screenshot showing desktop – Personal photography

I was going through my photos that are stored away in the hard-drive of memories. Dad brought this hard-drive a few years ago, solely for the purpose of storing photos and videos of the family. I came across this photo:

This photo I took myself, many years ago. I think it was the beginning of high school; year 7 or 8. On that day there was a blackout in our area, which is quite a rare occurrence here. It’s the only time I can remember it ever happening to be honest. While the house was flooded in darkness, I remember mum walking to the kitchen and fetching some candles a friend of hers had given as a gift a few days before. She gave me one too, so that I could continue doing my homework (I was a good little boy back then). Now that I think of the incident, I am made to realise that sometimes you need a little darkness to see the light.

*****

I’m also quite a lot behind on blog reading and replying to comments. Sorry guys, I haven’t forgotten you. I’ll get round to that ASAP.

[This is a scheduled post]

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Title: Bowl of oranges – Bright Eyes
Photograph showing flame – Personal photography

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
When death comes and takes all the bright coins to buy me,
and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes like measle-pox;
when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

“When Death Comes” – Mary Oliver

*****

Then…

There were times when I screamed out to God. It’s ironic isn’t it? When we are happy and have no need whatsoever of calling Him, some of us are inclined to think of His presence as an intrusion. Go to Him then and He would take you in with open arms and make you feel welcome. But going to Him when all help was lost and you’d be faced with a closed door and silence. Such loud and echoing silence, that could drive you mad. All you would hear was your own voice, full of desperation and need being thrown back to you. Was He ever there?

Then something happens, or I hear something, or see a picture, or visit a place and memories flood back like a gushing river. Every single particle of ‘rationality’, ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ is swept away by tears of grief. Clean and honest tears. Bathing myself in self pity is something I find so disgusting. It makes me cringe to think to think the bubbly Charley I remember, whose happiness was contagious and who was always overflowing with life has now become someone who brings nothing but sorrow. If she were to see me now, what would she think? And that brings me onto my next point.

Promises made with the dead while they held our hand, walked beside us and shared the same air to breathe as us are all well and good. There are many promises I will never forget, promises that I will keep with me forever and  will try my best to fulfil. But there are times when this so called ‘respect for the feelings of the dead’ brings me doubt. Sometimes when people say “is that what Charley would have wanted?” or “Charley wouldn’t have liked you doing such and such,” I wonder whether it is really just them using her name to say a piece of their mind, to vent their frustration at my never-ending sadness, or to have their way. I know it’s wrong of me. Their intentions are pure, they don’t mean it that way. But that momentary flash of desperation, of exhaustion and annoyance in their eyes makes me wonder. I hope I never am guilty of saying it that way to anyone.

At the beginning I used to be so afraid of going all those places Charley and I used to go, the walk through the parks or taking in the view of London from the top of Shirley Hills. But over the last year, I’ve visited the park many times in the depths of the night, and despite a few early incidents it wasn’t as bad as I had expected. Her absence wasn’t any more intense there as it was in other places; it’s not confined to a particular place. Her absence is like the distribution of air, it’s spread everywhere. It’s like that, I feel it while I’m sitting alone on the bus or I feel it when I’m feeling sad and in need of someone to talk to for example. But even that isn’t entirely true. There is one place where I feel it the most. Me. I miss her hugs.

*****

Now…

Tomorrow will be exactly one year since she passed away. ******* Cancer. I was speaking to a friend recently and they said to me, ‘How do you think Charley would feel knowing she was the reason behind your grief? Do you think she would want you to suffer endlessly because of her death?’

That made me think. Yes, I still do miss her, yes I still feel the emptiness from time to time, but it’s time I let it go. It’s time I came out of the shell I have been hiding in, wallowing in my sorrow, and felt the warmth of the sun on my skin, felt the refreshing rain and tried to truly enjoy happiness and all the other wonders of this life. On new year’s I was recovering from a very long day, getting rid of all that exhaustion that I completely forgot about Charley. When I finally realised, finally remembered, it was much more than a fading memory. It would not be right for me to call it a meeting (that’d get me locked up), but it was as if the armour of sorrow which had confined me for so long was removed. So much easier to breathe, so much easier to move. There were no tears, and that I think that is why I could see properly. My eyes still need time to adjust but it’s a beginning.

Have you ever said, ‘tonight I must get a good sleep because I have a long day tomorrow,’ and found you sleep very little? Have you ever said ‘let’s talk. Now’s the time’ and noted how silence ensues? Maybe if you desire something too desperately, you may not be able to get the best of it. Is that the same with the death of a loved one? Wanting so much to keep their memory alive, to remember each and every detail you find yourself looking into a dark and dingy hole which drags you in. A bit like a black hole. In the same way, I’m led to believe God was there all along. It was my own frantic screaming which stopped me from hearing that voice of help I had relied my last hope on. God gives to only those who have the ability and the willingness to accept. I was not ready to accept, I was not ready to listen and it was my mistake.

A few days before she passed away, Charley asked me find and print out the poem shown above. Another patient who was reaching the end of his life had told her about it and said they’d discuss it together when she had read it. They never got the chance, he passed away that night. When Charley finished reading the poem, with tears rolling down her beautiful face she said, ‘It doesn’t sound so bad having read that. Are you afraid? I wont leave till you say goodbye’. But I never got a chance to say goodbye. I was reminded of the poem while at the weekly hospice training, and it brought back sore memories. Am I ready to say goodbye yet? I don’t know. =/.

Reach – S Club 7.

We used to sing this song at school back in year 6. It was our song. It is now the first song on my playlist and I thought I’d share it with you.

I read this quote a few days ago, and it really hit home and really made me think:

If you focus to much on those you have lost, you’ll end up pushing away those that are left. – Unknown²

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Title: Iridescent – Linkin Park.
Picture 1: I have had this picture on my computer for a very long time, and so no longer have the link to it.
Picture 2: Same with this picture.
²Quote from http://www.boardofwisdom.com/

Brother: You’re dizzzzzzy bruv!

Me: Errrr, do you even know what that means?

Brother: It’s like crazy or weird.

Me: *rolls eyes* I’m not crazy or weird. What you on?

Brother: YES you are! And now you’re annoyed. And you haven’t said a single nice thing to me this morning. You’re always depressed. And you never laugh except when you’re playing tik tik¹ or when you’re on your laptop talking to your girlfriend.

Me: Shut up you idiot! I don’t have a girlfriend. T_T

2^nd Jan 2011

*****

Occasions like the beginning of a new year or a birthday allow us to take out the measuring stick and see how much we have grown, see how much we changed over the last year, and determine where we are standing. It gives us an opportunity to blow the dust off the goals and resolutions we set ourselves at the beginning of the previous year and take a break from the daily grind of life and see where the world has taken us. Are we still standing at the cross-roads lost, with no direction, no purpose, or have we found a path, our path, leading us where we want to go?

Here are my resolutions for this new year (in no particular order), and you can ask me at the end of this year if I was able to fulfil any of them:

• Stop being so nice and yet overall be more nice to people (refer to conversation with little brother above). Don’t ask me to explain this one.
• Survive next semester and make time for people even when there is little time. I’ll show you my weekly timetable once uni is in full swing.
• Stop procrastinating Procrastinate less. I don’t think a 10,000 word dissertation can be written the night before. Maybe it can. I haven’t tried so don’t know. Hmm… Cutting down on the time wasting would help too.
• Smile more and actually be happy for at least 10 minutes a day. Maybe it’s time to start smiling lessons in front of the mirror.
• Improve my vocabulary, and add more long and weird jargon words to my lexicon. The longest word I know at the moment is probably ‘hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis’. SHUSH! it is a word and not 3 words with dashes in between.
• Write in my diary more. Yes I have a diary. Not a ‘Dear diary’ type diary, but a diary.
• Try not to forget any birthdays or anniversaries this year. I’ve started writing them in my year planner though I have forgotten a lot of the dates. Eeeek! Send me your dates people.
• Try and give library books back at the right time. Once I got a fine of £32.50. I could have bought 6 copies of that same book and still had money left over for some chicken and chips.
• Create a TV booking sheet, as to allow me to book my rightful place in front of the TV when Manchester United matches are on.
• Get a new job and somehow fit it around my already cramped weekly schedule.
• Rediscover the Nas I remember as a distant memory. Time to finally come out the closet I think.  NO Not THAT closet. I’ve never been in THAT closed. Will elaborate on this one later. Just remind me.
• Reference all my blog posts properly so that Furree Katt knows where my titles come from.
• Eat more badaam (almonds). UPDATED – 20 minutes after having initially posted.
• Learn to realise when food is hot and safe to eat. Just burnt my tongue AGAIN eating my fav daahl. UPDATED 2/01/11 @ 20.58.
• Remember to update this list, and actually stick to it.

We should not just celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new one, we should celebrate the end of every day knowing we made someone happy and start the next one hoping we can do it again...²

Last time I was at the bank waiting in the queue to pay a bill, I heard the following from an amazing little girl, who was no more than 9 or 10, talking to her friend and it brought a smile to my face:

This is my last cookie, and I’m only giving it to you because you’re my best friend. I hope you like it.

Would YOU share your last cookie?

Smile! And make those around you smile. :)

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Title: Machines – Biffy Clyro
¹ Tik Tik, noun. A game played by my brother and I in our bedroom upstairs with a shuttlecock and hardback books. Rules are similar to badminton. It was named as such by the mother. Injuries experienced are predominantly to do with the fingers.
² Quote from http://www.boardofwisdom.com/ which I read on another blog.

It is that time of year when people sit down and reminisce over the happenings of the year that is reaching its end.  The good times bring laughter and the sad times bring with them a silence which in it self is louder than any other sound. But it’s not the past that I dwell on, for it is something that we can not change, cannot undo, cannot repeat but instead I look in the mirror and note what I have become. Am I happy by what I see? From being that individual who used to give others endopolitis (don’t Google it, you wont find it) I am in need of being infected by it. I’m a lot quieter, a lot more reserved, but that doesn’t mean I don’t take part and enjoy. I’ve learned to appreciate the value of family (yeah, smelly brothers included), the wonders of friends and friendship, the significance of the other small things we overlook and take for granted; the coffee dates, the laughter and having someone to give a hug. I’ve come to realise we do not remember days, we remember moments.

Uh, and I heard ‘em say, nothin’ ever promised tomorrow today.
But we’ll find a way
And nothing lasts forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it may be the only way.
They say people in your life are seasons,
And anything that happen is for a reason…¹

*****

When I started blogging back in August, I remember sitting there for ages just thinking of a title. That was probably the hardest part of it all. After consistent nagging from a few friends (Supz in particular) Closing Pandora’s Box was given a virtual birth. At that time I couldn’t even dream of having so many followers let alone receive a blog award, all thanks of which go to Furree Katt, who gave it to me. Thank you Furreeeeeeeeeeeeee. :)

According to the rules, I have to state 7 facts about me and award it to 7 others. Then those 7 people will have to do the same. So here goes:

7 facts about me you probably* didn’t know:

1. I eat when I am bored. And if I stop eating when I am bored then you know I am extremely bored.
2. I rarely ever get spots on my face, but when I do, they’re always in the same few annoying places.
3. I have never eaten prawns. Most people when they hear that have an ‘inviting fly moment’ which basically looks something like .
4. I write out every blog post by hand first using a special pen before finally typing it up onto Windows Live Writer. Even then there are countless mistakes.
5. I absolutely, very muchly, totally love adore football. I’m a bit of a fanatic really, borderline obsession some may say. Manchester United all the way!
6. I have the concentration span of a cucumber. Sitting in lectures I get distracted less than half the way through and start writing poems, drawing, texting, or just eating.
7. I absolutely, very muchly, totally hate despise writing about myself. I just don’t know where to start really or what to say. Ummm...

7 bloggers who I give this award to, in no particular order:

1. Smiley’s (╚» š ρ α я к ℓ ι n g š м ι ℓ є š «╝) was the only blog that I used to read before starting my own. Her writing is uh-maz-ing (is that spelt right?!); being extremely captivating, full of humour and so naturally written. (forgive me!)
2. Yours Truly ({{ Yours Truly }} ) writes very rarely, but when she writes, she writes absolute gems. Write more youuuuu!
3. Furree Katt (The Jackky Bhagnani Obsession) was the one who gave me this award and though it is slightly weird to give the same award back to the person who gave it to you, I must do it for one simple reason. Before I started blogging I used to dislike Bollywood a LOT, but it is because of Furree’s undying love of Jackky that I’m willing to give it another chance. Oh and her blog is very very lovely to read.
4. Alice (Alice in Galaxyland) was recommended to us by one of our lecturers at university. Her blog, mainly about science and all related matters, is extremely interesting, oozing with logic and lots of mind-blowingly amazing pictures.
5. Street Guru (What the world needs now...) writes posts that are full of inspiration or food for thought. Every post has something for everyone to take away and it really does live up to the title.
6. Alpha Za (Home of the Snapping Turtle) is an excellent writer. He writes about current (and relevant) matters in such a witty manner you can’t help but shout Bravo! while LMAO-ing or ROFL-ing.
7. рεяfεcтℓγ▪ιмpзяfзcт’s (I haven't lost my mind.) is a blog I recently started following. It’s quite good actually, the striking i have no fear honesty with which it is written is really intriguing.

This will probably be my last post of the year. So I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year. Don’t look back on the past with tears in your eyes, but open up your arms and embrace what the new year has to offer. Go that extra mile, treat yourself, give yourself what you truly deserve, don’t settle for second best. I remember talking to someone at the beginning of this year of all the hard work and the challenges that were looming ahead and he said something quite simple yet so profound:

There will always be obstacles and challenges in whatever you do, try not to think of them as such, think of them as being opportunities and that way you’ll be less daunted. Think of it like this, you’ve only got once chance, you’ve got the opportunity, don’t let it pass you. Grasp them whenever you can.

May this new year bring you all happiness, success, love, but most importantly may it bring you what you deserve; the fulfilment of your prayers and wishes.

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* Some of you may already know some of these things, hence the emphasis on ‘probably’.
Title: Home – Michael Bublé
¹ Heard ‘em say – Kayne West ft. Adam Levine

Because all our lives are variations on just a few themes, and all our questions, our hopes and fears and joys and sorrows, so similar, I can enter imaginatively into your world and your vulnerability as you can enter into mine. And we can exercise, compassion, a compassion born of empathy. Both words are synonyms for love, by which I don’t mean a romantic feeling but the readiness to give proper attention to whoever or whatever is before our eyes. – Michael Mayne.

A month or so ago, I posted an article from BBC news about the cost of love. It was looking at the ‘not so great’ aspects of love, such as blindness leading to being used, drifting apart and forgetting. You can read that article here. While reading the news this morning I came across the article above (click here) which cites research that has shown love can act like a painkiller and reduce the effects of pain. Seeing a picture of a loved one or thinking about them has a somewhat euphoric effect. Professor Paul Gilbert says, “It’s important to recognise that people who feel alone and depressed may have very low pain thresholds, whereas the reverse can be true for people who feel secure and cared for.” Nicely said prof.

Life’s fun with one, way better with two .

*****

Here’s another article I came across written by a clinical psychologist who actively believes in talking to her patients over the phone as a way of helping them deal with their problems. Though this article is written from a healthcare stance, I think it applies to everyone and talking to someone whether they be a doctor, psychologist, friend or family is something we could all benefit from.

“You matter because you are you & you matter to the last moment of your life.” – Dame Cicely Saunders.

When the NHS was founded on July 5^th 1948, it was a big step into the unknown. The government wanted to provide healthcare to each and every individual and would be responsible for funding. Not everyone was optimistic. The Editor of the British Medical Journal at the time agreed with the logic of spreading the cost of the treatment of illness over the whole community but feared many dangers in a state run medical service; dogma, timidity, lack of incentive, administrative hypertrophy, stereotyped procedure and lack of intellectual freedom. At that time, Aneurin Bevin, a key figure in the formation of the NHS, wrote to all the medical professionals and consoled them saying any problems would be dealt with. You can read his message here.

Death is something which the NHS wasn’t ready to deal with in it’s infancy. It’s main aim was to cure and or manage illness. It was at that time that Dame Cicely Saunders founded St Christopher’s Hospice in 1967 aiming to promote and provide skilled and compassionate palliative care of the highest quality. Every Thursday evening, I go to St Christopher’s, training to be a volunteer. It’s been 3 weeks now and already I have learnt a lot. I thought I’d share some of those things with you.

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Hope and it’s relationship with honesty.

Hope is one of the few things in life that can keep us living when there is nothing else left. It is the light that is nearly always on even when every other light may have turned off. Hope can make the dead walk, it can transform the weak into warriors and can give a broken man a reason to believe in tomorrow. However hope given falsely can cause irreversible damage. “People shouldn’t give false hope when there’s none around,” said one of the other volunteers. Hope is extremely potent, a small amount, the size of a grain of sand can shine up a person’s life. But it is highly important that when we share hope with someone bereft of it, we do so honestly. There’s no point telling a person who has just lost their legs in an accident to keep the hope of walking again. Such hope, based on falsehood and nothing, is more likely to have extremely detrimental effects than do anyone any good.

Pull yourself together, and just get over it…

When passing through an illness or the grieving period after the death of a loved one, there are some people who due to a lack of experience and understanding may tell you to pull yourself together, to strengthen up and to get over it. Truth of the matter is, every day you spend bedbound or every night you spend crying the tears of sorrow, you’re telling yourself exactly that. You don’t need others doing the same. After all, sorrow and a person’s way of dealing with it is personal, as is the time it takes for them to come to terms with their loss. The journey of acceptance after a traumatic event is like a daunting climb up a mountain; full of hardships and extremely tiring. If any one needs to make that journey of acceptance quickly, it is those people who tell you to hurry up. They need to accept the fact that you need your time and them constantly pushing, directly or indirectly, will probably make it a lot harder for you.

You talk, I’ll listen.

I’ve always been a strong believer in the power of talking about one problems and having someone who will listen. In one of the training sessions, our supervisor told us to find a partner and tell them something we had really wanted to do or achieve but were unable to do so because of whatever problem. It was the listener’s job to speak as little as they could but give their full attention to the speaker. Each person got approximately five minutes to talk. In a room surrounded by people, the majority of whom, like me, had lost a loved one made me feel comfortable. Most of us had felt the pain that follows after the death of someone dear and could see it in each other’s eyes. When I began talking to a complete stranger, the words flowed by their own accord. Normally for those of you who know me personally will know that I rarely talk about such things. But at that moment in time, the feeling of unity shared as a result of loss, helped me formulate words and sentences I had never spoken before. The other person, just nodded in understanding and that was enough. The calmness and the relief it brings is something which further strengthened my belief in talking and listening. Sometimes we don’t need happy pills or pills that will stop us from dying, but instead having someone who will listen properly and at least try to understand is one of the greatest things we can ever wish for.