When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
When death comes and takes all the bright coins to buy me,
and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes like measle-pox;
when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
“When Death Comes” – Mary Oliver
*****
Then…
There were times when I screamed out to God. It’s ironic isn’t it? When we are happy and have no need whatsoever of calling Him, some of us are inclined to think of His presence as an intrusion. Go to Him then and He would take you in with open arms and make you feel welcome. But going to Him when all help was lost and you’d be faced with a closed door and silence. Such loud and echoing silence, that could drive you mad. All you would hear was your own voice, full of desperation and need being thrown back to you. Was He ever there?
Then something happens, or I hear something, or see a picture, or visit a place and memories flood back like a gushing river. Every single particle of ‘rationality’, ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ is swept away by tears of grief. Clean and honest tears. Bathing myself in self pity is something I find so disgusting. It makes me cringe to think to think the bubbly Charley I remember, whose happiness was contagious and who was always overflowing with life has now become someone who brings nothing but sorrow. If she were to see me now, what would she think? And that brings me onto my next point.
Promises made with the dead while they held our hand, walked beside us and shared the same air to breathe as us are all well and good. There are many promises I will never forget, promises that I will keep with me forever and will try my best to fulfil. But there are times when this so called ‘respect for the feelings of the dead’ brings me doubt. Sometimes when people say “is that what Charley would have wanted?” or “Charley wouldn’t have liked you doing such and such,” I wonder whether it is really just them using her name to say a piece of their mind, to vent their frustration at my never-ending sadness, or to have their way. I know it’s wrong of me. Their intentions are pure, they don’t mean it that way. But that momentary flash of desperation, of exhaustion and annoyance in their eyes makes me wonder. I hope I never am guilty of saying it that way to anyone.
At the beginning I used to be so afraid of going all those places Charley and I used to go, the walk through the parks or taking in the view of London from the top of Shirley Hills. 
*****
Now…
Tomorrow will be exactly one year since she passed away. ******* Cancer. I was speaking to a friend recently and they said to me, ‘How do you think Charley would feel knowing she was the reason behind your grief? Do you think she would want you to suffer endlessly because of her death?’
That made me think. Yes, I still do miss her, yes I still feel the emptiness from time to time, but it’s time I let it go. It’s time I came out of the shell I have been hiding in, wallowing in my sorrow, and felt the warmth of the sun on my skin, felt the refreshing rain and tried to truly enjoy happiness and all the other wonders of this life. On new year’s I was recovering from a very long day, getting rid of all that exhaustion that I completely forgot about Charley. When I finally realised, finally remembered, it was much more than a fading memory. It would not be right for me to call it a meeting (that’d get me locked up), but it was as if the armour of sorrow which had confined me for so long was removed. So much easier to breathe, so much easier to move. There were no tears, and that I think that is why I could see properly. My eyes still need time to adjust but it’s a beginning.
Have you ever said, ‘tonight I must get a good sleep because I have a long day tomorrow,’ and found you sleep very little? Have you ever said ‘let’s talk. Now’s the time’ and noted how silence ensues? Maybe if you desire something too desperately, you may not be able to get the best of it. Is that the same with the death of a loved one? Wanting so much to keep their memory alive, to remember each and every detail you find yourself looking into a dark and dingy hole which drags you in. A bit like a black hole. In the same way, I’m led to believe God was there all along. It was my own frantic screaming which stopped me from hearing that voice of help I had relied my last hope on. God gives to only those who have the ability and the willingness to accept. I was not ready to accept, I was not ready to listen and it was my mistake.
A few days before she passed away, Charley asked me find and print out the poem shown above. Another patient who was reaching the end of his life had told her about it and said they’d discuss it together when she had read it. They never got the chance, he passed away that night. When Charley finished reading the poem, with tears rolling down her beautiful face she said, ‘It doesn’t sound so bad having read that. Are you afraid? I wont leave till you say goodbye’. But I never got a chance to say goodbye. I was reminded of the poem while at the weekly hospice training, and it brought back sore memories. Am I ready to say goodbye yet? I don’t know. =/.
We used to sing this song at school back in year 6. It was our song. It is now the first song on my playlist and I thought I’d share it with you.
I read this quote a few days ago, and it really hit home and really made me think:
If you focus to much on those you have lost, you’ll end up pushing away those that are left. – Unknown2
_________________________________
Title: Iridescent – Linkin Park.
Picture 1: I have had this picture on my computer for a very long time, and so no longer have the link to it.
Picture 2: Same with this picture.
2Quote from http://www.boardofwisdom.com/
Posts
5 January 2011 at 12:43
Oh my Nas... You don't know how teary this post get me... x( Sorry for what happened to Charley... and sorry for being a crying baby.. When you said you miss her hugs.. it's like tearing me apart..... Every one of us has different way of coping with death..and I think your doing fine.. I just feel bad for you for a sec there.. but don't your worry.. I think Charley will be happy with this post...
I never known how painful is it for anyone to lose someone...I mean.. whenever I hear someone die.. I really cry.. x( sorry for that..
hope you cross that dangling bridge soon enough...
5 January 2011 at 13:27
that poem is really moving. yes it maybe ironic that we turn to Allah in times of distress but we mustn't forget all the blessings we have too & be thankful for them. You'll know when you are ready, dont let anyone push you.
**hugs**
~miss anon~
5 January 2011 at 14:26
Uhm... I'm not really sure where to start..
I'm sorry for your loss. I've had experiences of losing someone (death) close to me.. a relative, a friend, an acquaintance. But never someone so special.. And I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when that happens.
But as you know, I have lost someone I love just recently.. the relationship died. It was going nowhere and we just drifted apart. Like you, I am afraid of going to the places where we usually go when we're together.. afraid of facing a flood of memories. Every bench, every pathway.. there's always something there that will remind me of him. But I know that I just have to deal with it.. just don't know how... hmm..
It brought tears to my eyes when I read the line.. "There is one place where I feel it the most. Me. I miss her hugs." There's just no escaping it.. *sigh
Knowing, loving and then, losing someone.. we held on to the memories, keeping them alive in our minds.. in our hearts, all the while knowing that someday, we just have to let them go...
I'm not so sure if I'm ready to let go and say goodbye, too.. I guess, I just have to wait for the right time.. God will be alongside me and then, when that time comes, I'd just know that I'm ready..
And so will you.
P.S.
I'm sorry If I'm sharing too much of my personal.. uhm.. thoughts in my comments. It's just that.. I can totally relate to this post. Cried buckets, actually... I kept staring at the screen for half an hour, reading you post again and again.. HER poem..
Take care.
5 January 2011 at 19:00
Before I read the whole thing I thought there is sooooo much I could write in my feedback, but when I finished it I thought there's nothing I can say. Nothing but just a smile or nod that says, 'I know. I know how it is'. This reminded me of what She said once, 'I don't know how it feels, I don't understand exactly, but I care.'
Thank-you for sharing such a fragile and special part of Yourself.
Yours Truly x
5 January 2011 at 20:11
@ Kamila: Awh, don't be sad. It's okay. Thank you! I hope so too :).
5 January 2011 at 20:11
@ Miss Anon: *huggles* Thanks. And I agree totally agree with you.
5 January 2011 at 20:15
@ Leah: Yes, may God give you the strength to bear your losses, and give you the courage and patience to come to terms with it all. One day, in your walk with God, you'll be able to appreciate life once again. Let's hope and pray it's soon.
It's fine, you are allowed to anything you wish, anything you are comfortable with.
Thank you, you take care of yourself as well.
5 January 2011 at 20:19
@ Yours Truly: It was the change that I was trying to portray. How I felt then, and how I feel now. She said it very nicely
:)
x
5 January 2011 at 23:57
Love the poem, and can kinda relate. Would just like to add that grief is a test from God, and may he grant you the patience and courage to deal with it inshaAllah. God tests us in order that we become closer to him and stronger in Imaan, so it's not ironic but it's natural that we turn to him in times of distress (as that's what he wants). I hope that made sense.
Oh and thanks for your comment on my blog
6 January 2011 at 01:41
Subhan'Allah I don't know what to say or how to even word what I'm thinking. It reminded me of this movie I watched "my sisters keeper" I dont know if you've read the book or watched the movie. It also reminded me of a letter I wrote to my cousin who's also dead Oh... I don't know what to say... May Allah make it easier for you to move on and may Allah strengthen your heart when calamities arise. It hurts I know and it's tough. But for the part where it said (along the lines of) how would charley feel knowing she's the reason of your grief? Re-read that line... when I read it I thought of the line "From Allah we come and to him we return" Death is a normal part of life it's a part we don't want to accept but we have to. It sucks I know. I can also say I know how you feel (and actually mean it) I also feel like I'm just repeating something you've heard SO many times. So i'm going to leave it at here.
6 January 2011 at 09:42
This reminded me of a snippet from one of our conversations.
I don't think one can ever say goodbye and close the chapter on such a major part of their life, the intensity of the pain just eases as the shock quietens and you adjust yourself with the memories etc.
The desperation is a bit like expecting too much with conversations/meetings with people. Dont we all say that before a meeting if we raise our expectations it turns out crap?
Thank you for posting this, its wonderfully written (Y)
Smiles and duas
x
7 January 2011 at 10:29
@ hijabi hippie hypo: Jazakallah for your kind words and I totally agree with all you have said here. In the first half when I mentioned God, I was talking generally of those people who forget Him in their times of happiness, but only run to Him in despair. You are right, when all else is lost, what choice do we mere mortals have but to knock on His door?
7 January 2011 at 10:34
@ рεяfεcтℓγ▪ιмpзяfзcт: I totally agree with you, death is perceived in such a negative manner in today's society. And you are totally right, all things come to an end, but grief is also a natural response and I think everyone should given time and space to grieve.
No I have not read the book, but I've added it to my list to look out for when I next go to the library insha'Allah.
7 January 2011 at 10:36
@ Smiley: I agree with you. It is not an easy thing just to close the book and buy a new one. And there are still some 'strings' still hanging there, but like one lovely person said, 'I want those strings to stay. They remind you of just how close you were.'
Thank you
:)
x
3 February 2011 at 01:29
That's a lovely poem and I really admire the writer's point of view, if all of us thought in that way, if we were all curious instead of scared (or sad because losing someone we love sucks big time)then maybe death would be completely different...I am very sorry for your loss.