Closing Pandora's Box

Hi Readers,

Back in Late October, Nas proposed a series of articles to investigate why is it that society often mistreats and disrespects women, though they are our mothers, wives, and daughters. I think this is a great idea and hopefully will bear some good fruit that everybody can learn from. I had a few ideas of my own that I wanted to contribute to the discussion, so I reserved a spot on Nas' list, and well, here I am. I'd like to thank you all for the opportunity to speak my mind here.

I haven't read any of the other articles that Nas will post as of the time of this writing, but my guess is that most of the readers, including myself, will agree with their ideas and the conclusions that they reach. They will bring to light important moral problems that we must face as a society, and they will propose solutions to the problems. Everyone, including myself, will probably agree with them. This may not be the case for this article, as I anticipate a divided readership on my conclusion. I'd like to simply state in advance that there is no disrespect intended to anyone here.

There have been many excellent articles written on this blog and others that speak of the many injustices and immoralities that are subjected upon people, and women in particular. They range from the 'adult' material where women are objectified for the viewers to lust after, or in ordinary society where men and women 'check out' or talk about members of the opposite gender in indecent ways. Apart from the immorality of these actions in themselves, this leads people to a mentality where they judge others based on physical looks rather than their moral character. Just a few weeks ago, I was discussing home-schooling with one of my friends. During the conversation, he mentioned a girl he knew who was home-schooled from K-12, and he remarked to me that she was a loser. When I asked him why, I was taken aback when he declared it was because she did not shave her legs.

Most of us here agree that such behavior is immoral, and extremely disrespectful, to put it mildly. Even if the other person consents and is a willing participant to be thought of in such a manner, we understand that it is wrong to treat someone's daughter in such a way. It's my impression that most of us here believe this regardless of our religion or belief system. Some of us are Muslims, and so we believe that we are commanded to 'lower our gaze' to not disrespect someone and to keep our minds clean. Most readers here who are Christian, Jewish, non-religious, etc., probably believe generally the same thing for the same or similar reasons.

But what I disagree with is the idea that once two people are married, many of the rules of decency obeyed outside it suddenly disappear. I don't mean rape in marriage, or one or the other member being pressured to engage in behavior which they are not comfortable with it, which most everyone agrees is wrong. What I mean is that it is common belief that once two people are married, it is acceptable for them to engage in sexual behavior or thinking which outside of it is considered wrong. As an example, it is considered indecent and unacceptable to ogle at indecent pictures on the internet or at people who are walking by for one's own pleasure. However, within the bounds of marriage, it is perfectly acceptable for a husband and wife to view each other in such a manner. It is my conclusion that this behavior and thinking is just as wrong within marriage as it is outside it.

A husband and wife engage in intimate behavior for different reasons, and I want to clarify what exactly I believe is wrong. People do the intimate things they do, such as touch, look at, etc either out of love for the other person or out of some type of physical lust. I consider the latter to be the immoral one, but the former to be okay, and I'd like to explain why.

When a person looks at or thinks about indecent material on the internet or in other ways, we find this to be objectionable for a two particular reasons.

First, because it is disrespectful. This is exactly why, when people speak of the spread of pornography, they speak of the 'objectifying' of women. Women (and men as well), are not objects so that anyone can look at them to satisfy their desires. If someone were to suggest that they look at pornography or 'check out' women in a respectful way, we would say they were crazy. Respect and lust don't go together at all, in fact they are the opposites. This is apparent to us in our everyday life. Suppose a group of people are telling dirty jokes, and then a nun sits down beside them. Most people would instantly stop, because society still respects particular groups of people, such as nuns, as noble people. If we meet a person who we respect deeply due to their high character and morals, it makes no sense look at them with lust at the same time. If we were to do that, it would be a case of cognitive dissonance.

Yet, why should there be an exception carved out of this rule for two people who are married? We are supposed to respect the person we marry as the mother of our children (or father for the women). This is not a meaningless position. This person would deserve our respect more than almost any one else in the world, yet we participate with them in certain disrespectful ways that we don't with others. The fact that they consented, or wanted us to behave in such ways with them doesn't change the equation any more than it does with pornography. Actions speak louder than words. We can claim that we [will] respect our husband or wife, but if our actions don't show it, then the claims are meaningless.

I believe that most people deep down actually agree, even if they may not realize it. I recall watching one episode of Seinfeld, where one main character has a girlfriend who he deeply respects, as she is always charitable and helping anyone in need that she can find. The main character tells his friend that he cannot even imagine her doing or thinking about anything sexual, as she is so good. "No depravity!" he says of her. Now, if we asked the writer who wrote this episode if he thought it was disrespectful to look at the person you're married to, or in love with or whatever with lust, he would probably say it was all okay like most people, but he's already revealed how he really thinks deep down. I once saw a movie where Robert DeNiro played a mob boss who goes to see a psychologist. Now, this mob boss is married, but he has a girlfriend on the side. He is asked by the doctor why, and he replies that there are certain things he cannot do with his wife. When asked why not, he replies, "Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?" He recognizes that there are certain things he can't do with his wife because he respects her.

In fact I would guess that most couples have some line in the sand that they will not cross with their spouse, some particular behavior that they do not want to see them perform, just like in the example. But if want to be consistent, then we should not want to perform any such behaviors, or engage in any such thoughts, not just those beyond a certain arbitrary point. I don't believe moderation is a virtue, as it is a synonym for inconsistency. No one advocates moderation in murder, or child molestation. There is certainly a big difference between murdering millions of people like the Nazis did and just five or six. But difference is only a matter of degree, not a difference in kind, and the same argument applies here.

Second, we find such thoughts themselves to be vulgar or disgusting. When a wife doesn't want her husband to watch pornography, or to lower his gaze when looking at other women, the complaint she has is not simply one of jealousy. She is not only complaining that he is paying attention to other women and not to her, but that the actual thoughts that he's having about the other women are themselves filthy or un-clean. The complaint is that there is something actually vulgar or polluting about thinking about people in such a manner, and that it makes him less moral to do so. If this is the case, then surely it is also true if the two people are married. A husband looking at his wife to fulfil his physical desires is just the same as if he were looking at someone on the internet, and if one of those thoughts are unclean or disgusting, then surely the other is as well, as they are the same. I often read where it is encouraged for us to get married so that we can 'lower the gaze'. But this is not lowering the gaze at all, it is simply shifting if from looking at many different people to one particular person. To me this makes no more sense than if one were to advocate only watching pornography on the internet, so that one may 'lower the gaze', and stop having the desire to look at anyone outside the internet.

Marriage is obviously a complex thing, and when a married couple are together, they do not only interact with each other with physical lust as their intention, but out of love and many other emotions as well. This is certainly true, and it could be suggested that therefore there is something qualitatively different between watching pornography and interacting with one's husband or wife. But I believe that the same principles still apply. For example, suppose that a person gives charity, but gives it due to two different intentions simultaneously: to show off as well as out of concern for the poor. In this case, we would say that part of this action is right, and part of it is wrong. And the same thing would apply in our case. If a person performs an action both out of lust as well as love, then perhaps part of the action is right, and the other part is wrong. We can simply separate the two parts out.

In conclusion, I believe that striving to live a more clean and decent life is something that all of us here aspire to, and that it is a worthy goal which is well worth the extra effort. I believe that the worth of an individual is not the color of their skin, or their gender, or how attractive they are, but is determined by the content of their character. I believe that one particular determinant of our character is how we show respect to others, as well as to ourselves, by abstaining from indecent actions, and I've submitted a few ideas in this article to clarify. I mean no disrespect if you disagree, and I'm hoping to hear from the readers as to your opinions on the matter. Farewell.

By Dr. Squirrel
http://doctorysquirrel.tumblr.com/

Selfish.

That one word sums up the attitude that society had for working mothers and to some extent still does.

Even recently I saw an admin post on a Facebook page using the word selfish and clearly stating that working mothers are the reason that there is a rise in young people committing crimes etc.

There are many studies which suggest that a working mother can harm her child’s development but also studies which contradict this. But I do not feel it is as simple as comparing a working mother against a stay at home mum.

I am a working mother. So…..am I selfish?

No I do not believe so.

I went to work when my daughter was 1. Did my daughter lose out? No. She was with my parents and I was only working for 4 hours a day. She got to spend some quality time with her grandparents and I got to get out of the house and earn some money.

Now that she is 5 my working hours fit around her. I drop her off at school and I pick her up.

Is the fact that I am a working mother adversely affecting her?

No.

She is advanced with her reading and is pretty much in the top groups at school. We take holidays, and although I am not with her 24/7 in the summer holidays, I make sure we do a number of activities. So I do not think that anyone can say that she is missing out.

I do realise though that some working mothers do neglect their children. For them their careers are more important, and their children hardly see there parents and are raised by child-minders and nannies.  Or some working mothers do not manage their time wisely and find the right balance; then the children suffer.

I work because we cannot manage on my husband’s salary alone. We could if we claimed benefits and I refuse to do that. I would rather work for my money. And I resent people who sit their in their comfy homes passing judgement on working mothers without knowing the full facts or generalising.

Just because a child has it’s mother at home all the time does not mean the child will turn out to be a well balanced child, in fact some mothers do more harm to their children being IN their lives. So I believe the debate of working mum v stay at home mum is unfair. It depends on the mother herself, the kind of family life they have, it can even depend on whether the mother is educated or not.

Being a working mother is a challenge in itself and yes it can be stressful at times; in fact it can end up being a juggling act. However if you remain organised and manage your time wisely then it makes life easier. I have sometimes felt it has gotten a bit too much and on odd occasions I have gotten stressed and angry; I sometimes want to just come home and put my feet up like hubby does but unfortunately I don’t often get that luxury.

By Foz
http://www.muslimmummies.com/
http://twitter.com/@muslimmummies

While women represent half of the world’s population, they work nearly two-thirds of all working hours, but receive only one-tenth of the world’s income and own less than one per cent of the world’s property.

These statistics alone demonstrate the extent of the gender inequality that women face every day, and I want to explore this multi-faceted problem that is often brushed under the carpet.

Birth

Much of the inequality that women face begins when they are very young. For some, it begins when they are born. Even in this day and age, in specific cultures but across the board, baby boys are preferred to girls. A recent study of families in India uncovered that up to 6 million female foetuses have been aborted in the past decade. This was particularly prevalent in families who had already had a baby girl, and found out their second child was going to be a girl. As a Pakistani, I understand the cultural implications and the pressure that mothers face to conceive boys. Boys are given a higher status because in Asian cultures, bloodlines and families are highly significant, and a baby boy is treated as an heir as he will carry the familial status, whereas girls are highly likely to take their spouses surnames once they marry.

From an Islamic historical perspective, as the Prophet Muhammad (May peace and blessings be upon him) was growing up, it was commonplace for baby girls to be buried alive simply because of their sex. However, the Prophet himself discouraged this barbaric practice, and as example, advocated the well-treatment of daughters and wives.

Education and the workplace

From reading the book by Feminist Kat Banyard entitled “The Equality Illusion”, I learnt that the gender divide comes into play as soon as children start school. It is in school that girls learn that they must like all things pink and fluffy, that they must show a disinterest in sport, and that they are naturally quite creative but do not have a flair for maths and science- so they don’t even try. Chemistry sets and building and construction toys are packaged in such a way that sends a subconscious message that they are only for boys, and girls are only encouraged to play with Barbie dolls and kitchen sets.

I was reading a blog a few weeks ago in which the packaging of toys was being discussed, and prior to the early 1990s, the free toys in McDonald’s children’s happy meals were unisex. It was only after 1990 that employees asked the parents if the meal was for a girl or boy. Recently, the toy store Hamley’s announced it is to remove the signs “girl” and “boy” from its toy shelves, and not to divide each section into pink and blue.

It is in school that we all have our first experience of making friends, and very quickly, there is a divide of the sexes within friendship groups. It’s clear that school is a place where the clear gender boundaries, roles and identities are laid down, which is a societal flaw.

Despite this, girls are flourishing more than ever academically and are constantly out-performing boys. However, this success does not translate to when girls actually enter the workplace, as females performing the same work as males get paid up to twenty per cent less. So why is this happening? This is partly because of the subjects girls are choosing to study and consequently the fields they end up working in. Girls are sticking to entering “traditional” fields and apply for posts such as sales assistant, healthcare or secretarial jobs. This could be because these are the types of jobs women aspire to but they only aspire to such jobs thinking they are “appropriate” for their gender and skills-base.

Women are also more likely than men to take up part-time jobs, due to caring commitments, which widens the pay gap. Part-time work may be useful, but it is less secure and part-time workers are often not protected by legislation or unions.

For me, and other like-minded feminists, the key to achieving equality simply requires a change in attitudes. If women were regarded as the same way in which men were- simply as fellow human beings, then women and society as a whole could progress and achieve so much more. Women’s role as mothers is downplayed but is so vital in educating and rearing the future generations and future leaders of this world. Change must come from within, but men can also help the feminist cause, by pledging to treat the females in their lives as equals, and not relegating them. And it is also up to the women to respect and value themselves and know they deserve better.

By Hijabi Hippie Hypo
http://glandtastic.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/hijabihippie

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Sources:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/24/india-families-aborting-girl-babies

I am sorry but what evidence do you have to prove that all of us are created equally? There is no evidence whatsoever. But there is evidence that we are NOT created equally.
Some people are born with inherent diseases. Some people are born with inherent qualities and they always outperform you, whether it be academics and sports (I am jealous of them). Why such injustices on those who were born (un) equal.
Evolution does not give us equality. Evolution has made all of us unequal in one way or another. Us trying to harp about "equality" is only damaging to our evolution as an animal species.
Inequality is the sole reason why there is diversity in life. Some are strong, some are weak, some are white, some are black, some have blue eyes, others have brown. Yet all of these traits have benefits. Blue eyes for example are interpreted as sign of beauty and good genes and this increases the sexual selection pressures on the female possessing blue eyes and increases her chances of attracting a genetically fit male and hence a fit progeny. What was the fault of the woman with brown eyes?
I can go on and on.

The above was a comment by the user doomedlions left on my post introducing the guest post series regarding women rights and equality. I wish to reply to some of the issues and questions raised.

When was young I remember my dad bought me a puzzles book full of word searches, cross words, number puzzles and mazes of all shapes and sizes. As well as this there were many spot the difference pictures where you would be presented very similar pictures and would have to spot subtle differences between the two. Being the little Sherlock Holmes that I was (only on Thursdays as I took on other roles on the other days of the week including, doctor, train driver, bike racer and tree) I would spend my Thursday evenings after school, magnifying glass in hand, trying to solve them. In nature itself, we notice that humans who are so similar in so many ways are also so very different. Between animals of the same species, plants and trees, you name it, there’s bound to be differences. Identical twins, who arise from the same fertilised egg and thus are genetically identical can be un-identical depending on the environment in which they are bought up.

If you put 2 people of different sexes, ethnicity or developmental stage in front of a young child, they will easily tell you the differences between them. It’s not rocket science. The user above wrote “we are NOT created equally” and I concur. No we are not. But that is elemental observation to make. When the phrase “We were created equal” is used, the wisdom behind it does not apply to physical aspects of a person regarding their gender, health, strength, eye colour, height or capabilities. Instead, it alludes to the fact despite our differences from one another we all deserve equal rights and not be recipients of discrimination and or persecution as a result of those differences. There are countless examples one could use to explain this point, but seeing as it will soon be happening in the UK, I’d like to mention the Olympics and Paralympics. Disabled people have an equal right to enjoy and compete in sporting events as do non-disabled people do. 

*****

Starting this Friday I shall being posting the Guest Posts I have received in this regard. I would like to thank each and every person who took time out to write a piece. Though you may not agree with some of the points raised by the authors, I am sure you will concur however that each one is extremely well written, thought provoking and enlightening.

Please Note: The views and or opinions expressed within the guests are solely of the respective authors and are not necessarily my own.

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Seeing as it is also the beginning of a new year, I’d like to send you all my warmest regards and I hope and pray that during this new year you see happiness, love and joy. May it be productive, rewarding, successful and peaceful for you all.

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Title: And Justice for all – Metallica

I have a few friends who don’t understand my obsession for football. This video is for you:

In soccer (football) you have everything in life…
you need to give, you need to receive
you need team spirit, discipline…
sportsmanship.
Sometimes you win…
Sometimes you lose.
This is the way you win in life.

Because football isn’t all THAT bad.

Sorry I’ve not commented on your blogs recently. I’ve been keeping up with all of them on my phone, but haven’t had a chance to log into blogger on the computer. Will visit your comment dabaa soon!

Hope you’re having a lovely weekend. Stay smiling.

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Title: Wavin’ Flag – K’NAAN

When I got a new phone, I got one with a decent camera for a particular reason. Simply so that I could take more pictures. I’ve decided each week I’ll share a photograph with you.

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I saw this written on the wall of the train today:

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Title: Sixteen Tons – Tennessee Ernie Ford

We’ve had countless boiler problems this year. Every few months something seems to happen. It sprouts a leak, starts letting out gas, making weird and un-boiler-like noises or just not getting turned on when I try to press its buttons. Last week it started drooling all over the floor and the pressure inside would rapidly drop and so prolonged use of hot water (in a bath or shower) would mean you’d have to do some fancy stuff to it to make the hot water come back. This was annoying, since I take my time whenever I have a bath or shower. So much so one of my friends always say “see you next week..” every time I text her, “I’ll text you later, about to jump into the bath/shower.” A few days subsequent to this, the boiler spluttered its last few breaths and stopped working all together. 3 days without hot water and heating.

It is not very often we consider boilers to be of value in our lives. Even when we talk about the things that we take for granted, how often do you hear anyone mention their boiler? I guess it’s like that clichéd line goes “you don’t realise the value of something till it’s gone…”. Said so many times, and probably experienced many more times but still it rings true. I realised the sheer importance of it when waking up for Tahajjud and Fajr (morning) prayers in the bitter cold without any hot water to wash with or heating to warm up the house with. I realised it’s importance when running late for university and jumped into the shower for a quick one only to be drenched in ice cold water. I realised the importance of it when sitting down stairs studying with frozen feet and fingers because of the cold. The water was so cold it left a burning sensation on contact with skin.

“It’s so annoying,” said  my brother one morning. “Why does this stupid thing keep messing up! I don’t wanna go to school today.”

“Think about all the people who live in icy conditions without hot water, or central heating. They only have one pan, in which to cook and in which they heat up water for a bath. Be grateful,” replied my dad.

The whole thing gave a few members of the household a really bad cold but it got me thinking. We use so many things each and every day. Many of these things we use without any thought as to their value in our lives, because they don’t seem valuable. Forget the small things, many of us are caught up in our traps that we aren’t even grateful for the big things that glare us in the face.

Say thank you to whoever you believe in, for once some of these things are gone, they may never come back. Thank God the boiler is now fixed. But more importantly thank God it was only the boiler and nothing more that messed up.

PS
This was written in a hurry so please excuse the grammar and or other mistakes.

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Title: Autumn Days – Estelle White