Closing Pandora's Box

The father of a guy I work with regularly passed away in the early hours of the morning. A few days ago Marshmallow’s grandfather passed away. Earlier this year it was Bubblegum’s friend, Charley and my great aunt. The list is endless.

“Would you like some tea?” He asked.

“No thanks, I’m not much of a tea drinker,” I replied.

I paid a visit to his house to offer my condolences and as I looked through his eyes into the depth of his world, I caught a glimpse of the shadow of sorrow. I didn’t really know his father, so just listened to the other elders talking of the deceased. It reminded of something I read a few days ago in a book recommended by the hospice. The book titled, ‘Intimate death, how the dying teach us to live,’ is written by Marie De Hennezel, a psychologist who worked among a palliative care team in Paris, ‘tells us how to deal with death and talk to the dying – how to avoid despair and find the strength to confront and accept the end’ based on her experience. I’ve only read the forward and the preface and this following thought-provoking quote was something I’d like to share:

Even when one enters final helplessness, one can still love and feel loved, and many of the dying, in their last moments, send back a poignant message: Don’t pass by life; don’t pass by love. The ending of the life of someone you love can allow you to accompany that person to the very last step. How many of us grasp this opportunity? Instead of looking oncoming death squarely in the face, we behave as if it will never come. We lie to one another, we lie to ourselves, and instead of giving voice to the essential, instead of exchanging words of love, or gratitude, or forgiveness, instead of leaning on one another for support in the extraordinary “crossing” that is the death of someone we love, pooling all the wisdom, the humor, and the love of which we’re capable for the moment of actual encounter, we allow this final, essential, unique moment of life to be mired in silence and solitude. – Marie De Hennezel.

After the death of a loved one, I think you can find peace and healing. I wish I had told him that it is okay to feel a range of emotions, some that you may not think to be appropriate. Time will help you overcome the anger and will dull the pain of loss. But you will always remember the person you lost. After all, they were an important part of your life.

Many hundreds of people walk through our lives each day but only those who love us, and whom we love, and those that care for us, and those for whom we care leave their footprints engraved on our heart.

What does it feel like many people ask. Sometimes it feels so very much like fear. That same fluttering in the stomach I get while standing at the top of a very tall structure and looking down below, the same agitation and that same restlessness. Sometimes there is that dry mouth because the swallowing wont stop. Sometimes it makes me feel so detached and so alone, as if there is an invisible barrier between me and the world. The words people speak, the things they say just doesn’t seem to register. Or maybe it’s just hard to want to understand, it can be so uninteresting. I fear the moments when I am alone.

Some days a little voice inside me shouts out from the depths and tries to assure me that it really isn’t that much of a big deal. After all, people come and go, so what is different about death? I was happy before I met Charley. It happens to everyone and people move on. As I contemplate, I am left ashamed listening to what my mind says. On the other hand it does speak sense. But then something happens, or I hear something, or see a picture, or visit a place and memories flood back like a gushing river. Every single particle of ‘rationality’, ‘logic’ and ‘common sense’ is swept away by tears of grief. It is then you are left sitting alone on that park bench with nothing but darkness and cold surrounding you. Just so alone.

This is the park bench Charley and I used to sit on. I took this picture of the snow covered park while on one of my midnight walks – 2^nd Dec 2010, 01.55am.

*****

Over the years, many people have tried to explain ‘grief’ to me using all sorts of analogies. While at the hospice training one day, we were discussing this matter and the coordinator explained a few different models of grief. I’ll explain one of them here:

This first circle (left) represents you, me, him, her and everyone in their normal ‘grief-free’ state. The greatest worry or problem we have to deal with is what pair of jeans to wear in the morning or what sandwich to buy at lunch. Life is okay with no major drama but being humans we still complain.

The flaming red and orange in the circle on the right is representative of grief. Grief felt after the ending of a long term relationship or the bereavement following the death of someone very dear. It is totally overwhelming and takes over us (the whole circle of ‘us’ is full of it).

Most people assume that over time the grief due to a bereavement or loss for example, will lessen and there may even come a stage when it completely disappears. In this ‘assumption’ we don’t really change as a person, it’s the grief which changes. After all, time is a great healer is it not?

In reality however, the grief doesn’t change. It is always there. We just grow around it, learning and developing ways to cope so that it hurts less and less each day. This is how I like to think of it. The human brain is an amazing thing. The way it can store, recall, sort and process information is just mind boggling. I think grief is like constantly playing music; it’s always there in the background but your mind learns to block it out. If you’ve ever sat in a classroom with a road just outside, you’ll initially hear the cars going past. But as the lesson progresses and you get stuck into your maths or English or whatever, you no longer hear the cars. You’ll only notice them when you look out the window and concentrate on them. Grief is the same. After some time, which may be a few hours, a few days, weeks, months or even years it becomes like music playing gently in the background.

*****

Tomorrow (18^th Dec 2010) would have been her 21^st birthday. On her 18^th, standing in the freezing cold at the edge of the river Thames, we made so many plans and so many promises for the years to come. I remember holding a warm cup of coffee in my shaking hand and telling her, ‘Whatever you plan for your next big one, just make sure it’s somewhere warm. I’m giving you three years to think of something.’ But there wasn’t to be a 21^st, there are just memories.

Though we all take trips to the city of memories, we have no choice but to come back because unfortunately they are only trips. In our remembrance of the dead, we can not forget the living. Today is the birthday of a lovely friend of mine; Rosaline Lifeo. May the Almighty grant you a long and healthy life. May it be like being on a ferris wheel, dominated with that indescribable feeling of limitless happiness and awe when you are the top. But when you are at a low may you have the strength, the faith and the belief that it will only be temporary.

Come to think of it, life isn’t that much different from a ferris wheel. The only difference being we buy the ticket for one and are given the ticket for the other. Otherwise, both the rides have their ups and down and regardless of what happens, they both go on.

*****

They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being. It’s like no-one told them that’s the hardest thing in the world. I’m left not with what she took from me but with what with she brought. Eyes that finally saw me for what I am. And this certainty that nothing, nothing is set in stone, not even darkness. – Dexter, Season 5, Episode 12.

We meet new people each and every day wherever we are. Some of them we stop to talk to. Others we go out of our way and make the effort to talk to. Connections are laid and a relationship is made. The hardest thing I think is maintaining those connections and keeping them living. In my remembrance of the dead I must not overlook those whose footprints are engraved so deeply on my heart that time shall never be able to erase them. In my remembrance of the dead I must not hurt those who give me a reason to live. In my remembrance of the dead I must never forget those who teach me how to keep going. I will not forget them. <3

(I hope you understand this person with no name, this one is for you and all those who I know are grieving or have grieved. I will not forget you)

Me: Do animals feel pain?

Little Miss Sunshine (LMS): Yeah I guess so. You can see it when you cut off their arms or something. What about plants?

Me:  Hmm. Well they don’t really have a nervous system as such. So I don’t really see where the pain would register. And transpiration doesn’t count as tears.

LMS: Hehe. Lactation?

Me: What the hell? I just imagined a plant with boobs. Every 6 months they pop out boobs and just squirt milk everywhere.

LMS: I always get confused. What’s that word for crying? Lac..

Me: Lacrimation? It’s derived from the Latin word ‘lacrime’ meaning to cry, I think.

*****

Last weekend my mum went to Pakistan. Me, my dad and my younger brother went to drop her off at the airport. Just as we were leaving to come back home, the following conversation ensued between my brother and I:

Him: Who are all these ladies in the red skirts and hats?

Me: They’re the air hostesses, you know the ladies on the planes who bring you food and whatnot.

Him: I bet they get to fly a lot and see lots of places. Do they get free tickets?

Me: I guess so. It’s part of their job. But I’m not too sure.

Him:  When they have gone abroad with a flight, do they like get to see the place? Or are they kept under curfew and can’t leave the airport?

Me: That would really suck if they couldn’t leave the airport.

Him: You know what. If they get good pay, then I too wanna be an air woman

… (after a I started laughing) air man.

I know this is a post about happiness and smiles, but when I typed ‘air hostess’ into Google, some of the stuff that came up would’ve made some guys a bit too happy. So to save on the kleenex, I decided to use this picture. 8-). She is pretty.

*****

You may remember the post I wrote about happiness. If not you can read it by clicking here. There’s not much else I want to say but would like to share a photo with you. This was spotted by the ever so lovely Aam in labs last year while we were looking at blood slides down the microscope. The smile on her face was bigger than the one you see below, so I took a photo of it for her. It shows a smiley faced neutrophil (correct me if I’m wrong, I sucked at spotting things down microscopes).

Smiles can be found anywhere if you just look hard enough – (can I quote myself?)

…Continued (Click here to read part 1 & here to read part 2)

One reason I very much liked the film American History X was due to the message it portrayed about hate and how one man (Derek) who was saturated with it turned his life around. This change was the culmination of a chain of events, each making him question his hate and anger. I found the following quote very powerful and it is something we should take some time to contemplate on:

There was a moment, when I used to blame everything and everyone for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened to me, that I saw happen to my people. Used to blame everybody. Blamed white people, blamed society, blamed God. I didn't get no answers 'cause I was asking the wrong questions. You have to ask the right questions. Has anything you’ve ever done made your life better? – Bob Sweeney (American History X).

A lot of the time we are shackled down by our own negative mentality, blaming others in an excuse to justify things that we don’t want to deal with. If only we asked ourselves the right questions and broke down the barriers of distrust, paranoia and suspicion, life would be so much easier. We’d have more time to enjoy than to pick out the bad points of a person, people, place or even a thing. 

In the previous post, I briefly mentioned how a fear of the unknown can lead to one hating that unknown thing; be it a person, thought, rule, or inanimate object.

The veil is something which causes a lot of angst and fear among people because one cannot tell who it is behind that cloth or why they have chosen to cover themselves up in such a manner. Many people due to their limited knowledge or bad experience have come to associate negative things with the veil and some countries have gone as far as either banning the wearing of the veil or wish to impose a ban. This particular interview was published in The Times 2 supplement found inside The Times (Friday 19^th November 2010). Due to political correctness and or for a fear of offending the veil wearer, many people may refrain from asking questions. This is to help them understand the practicalities of how things are done once the veil is on and lets one learn about why this particular lady has chosen to cover herself up. I think the honesty and humour with which this woman answers the questions should be applauded. There are very few people out there who would be willing to do such a thing, even though it is a way of removing misconceptions.

(Click on the image to download – 7.9mb)

Openness and transparency is an important way to remove the plants of hate growing within our environment whether at home or in the wider community. Educating oneself about others and asking questions is one way we can achieve that.

I’d like to end this by quoting a narration about hate from the end of the film American History X:

So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'

Where is the love? – Black Eyed Peas

I posted a few lyrics from the song ‘Where is the love’ by Black Eyed Peas at the end of part 1. I wanted to share with you the full music video but due to issues with privacy, I couldn’t embed it here. You can watch the video by clicking on the link above.

The phone had been ringing for a long time. Where was everyone? They’ve all gone out you twillop said a voice inside my head. We have a phone in the sitting room, dining room and two of the bedrooms. It so happened I was in one of the rooms where there was no phone. I pressed pause on my laptop, took out the earphone from my right ear and got up to run and answer it. Oh that’s another thing about me, I only wear one earphone so that if someone is calling me, the phone rings or someone knocks at the door I can attend to them or it. One of the worst ever feelings is needing to use the loo but you don’t have the key to get into your house. And when you knock, the person inside takes what seems like forever to open because they can’t hear you. I only ever use both when going to bed, or sleeping on the bus. Anyway back to the ringing phone. I ran downstairs to the sitting room, out of breath and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

After a few seconds an automated recording started playing, “Are you suffering from death? If you would like…”

I put the phone down after it finally registered what the recording had said.

*****

There’s been a lot of snow here in the UK. This story was in the news recently and the sheer stupidity of it made me smile. The woman didn’t even realise she was wasting valuable police time. (Click on the picture below to read the full story).

Even though the world is advancing rapidly in all sorts of ways, whether it be healthcare, learning more about the universe, creating smaller yet faster machines etc. etc, there’s still a lot of stupidity and ignorance. People still do and say things which make you open your mouth so wide flies are tempted to go inside and have babies. What’s the most stupidest thing you’ve heard or seen?

…Continued (Click here to read part 1)

Click here to watch episode (available in the UK ONLY)

Last week’s Panorama (Monday 22^nd November 2010), shown on BBC focused on faith schools and in particular Islamic schools. For those of you that are not in the UK, let me give you a brief summary of what some of the points raised:

• Of the many thousands of  schools in the UK, 160 are Muslim schools.
• The vast majority of which are “good Muslim schools, but there are also some that have an ideology that is a cause for concern”
• Some schools are directly funded by a mosque and mosque policy is usually reflected in the rules of the school.
• Students are exposed to radical anti-west speakers and thinkers who openly incite hatred against the west.
• Many part-time (after school / weekend) classes use the Saudi national curriculum which caters for 6-18 year olds. Even from an early age children are taught that Jews and Christians are like monkeys and pigs. The curriculum also contains information on how to carry out “medieval Islamic practices” such as amputations of the hands and feet.
• Students are often told to refrain from “evil western practices” such as listening to music and that one should not have any contact or dealing with the “kuffar”.

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“In time we hate that which we often fear” – William Shakespeare

A young mind absorbs knowledge just like the way a dry sponge sucks up any moisture around it. A child growing up in a household full of love and laughter will develop into an individual who is loving himself / herself. A child whose environment is saturated with hate by those around them will surely be affected by it. The first primary school I went to was predominantly white. There were only 3 non-whites there; me, my sister and another Asian boy. In year 5 a black French boy joined my class. One day we had a supply teacher to cover the afternoon lessons. She was a lovely Jamaican lady (I can still remember what we did in that lesson). While she was teaching a boy kept repeatedly talking and as any teacher would, she told him to be quiet and concentrate on his work. He put his pen down, got up and looked at the teacher with eyes like a snake’s full of venom, and shouted, “Go swim back to your country, you’re not wanted here.” Everyone gasped. Later that day I saw the child’s father walking into school. On his arm was a tattoo of a symbol that I did not recognise at that young age. I was 9 or 10 at that time. It was only a few years later while studying World War II did I understand the horrors the swastika had come to represent. We never saw the teacher again.

I don’t think hate is a feeling as such. Feelings are like happiness, anger and nostalgia for example; they’re temporary to an extent. Also we have no control over our feelings, they just happen. It would be more appropriate to describe hate as a verb rather than an adjective. You can feel hated and if you were to say I am feeling hate, that still insinuates the hate is being directed at you as apposed to emanating from within you. It is an extreme form of dislike. The superlative form of dislike which is the product of ignorance and is taught, learned or acquired and exhibited through anger, lack of trust and suffering to mention a few.

In the episode of Panorama we are made aware of the hate that is being spread in some faith schools. The programme quotes Orthodox Jewish, Evangelical Christian and Muslim school to be involved in saying things that may be deemed offensive. Despite that, it specifically chooses to elaborate on the radical nature of the teaching at some Islamic Schools. Education in imperative for the development of an individual and thus the roles of schools can never been underestimated. I think faith schools are a good thing as they allow for increasing one's spiritual knowledge as well as catering for their worldly knowledge. Having a mosque or church close to the school is like having a hospital in close vicinity to a medical school.

Knowledge is a double bladed sword if it is not obtained properly or used in a productive manner. A lack of it can drown one into the depths of ignorance from which it is hard to recover. On the other hand, those with knowledge can spread it in such a manner that instead of bringing enlightenment to the lives of others, it brings darkness. A darkness in the form of fear. As Yoda says in Star Wars, "fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering." What disappointed me the most was the fact that so called 'scholars', whose words many people take for granted without any questioning, were selectively picking and choosing those things to teach that are representative of a specific narrow minded type mentality.

In the translation of the first Chapter of the Qur'an the scholar says, "Guide us not on the path of those who have earned thy displeasure, namely the Jews, nor those that have gone astray, namely the Christians." The mention of the Jews and the Christians is not in the actual Arabic text of the Qur'an. I do not by any means claim to be a scholar and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but many nations incurred the wrath of God over time; the 10 plaques of Egypt come to mind. Was the Pharaoh and his people Jews? One of the many reasons so many prophets were raised was because mankind had forgotten the teachings sent down from heaven. If only the Christians had strayed from the right path then technically does that mean all those before them were following the true teachings? The university at which I study is no more than 15 minutes walk from Tooting Islamic Centre (mentioned in the programme). Once a special guest from there was invited to give a talk about the status of Jesus (a.s.) in Islam. Judging by the contents of the talk it should actually have been named, ‘Why Christians are wrong in their beliefs about Christ.’ I felt thoroughly ashamed for having wasted my time and was even more sympathetic towards all those Christians who had gone to learn something new about another faith.   

Many people are guilty of misquoting verses from religious texts and presenting a small portion of it completely out of context. One of the speakers in the programme quotes verse 14 of chapter 60 which reads, 'Oh ye who believe! make not friends of a people with whom Allah is wroth.' This verse on it's own seems to be telling Muslims to abstain from having any dealings with those that do not believe. What the people who use this verse to advocate exclusivity fail to mention is the context in which this verse was revealed or what the Qur’an says a little earlier. When this verse was revealed, the Muslims were at war with the Meccans and some Muslims out of their friendship would pass on sensitive information to the enemy. In light of this, the above verse (Chapter 60 : Verse 14) was revealed. This is not just a message for Muslims, but a message that all countries and nations strictly follow. During the second world war posters were made to remind the public that careless talk costs lives. Regarding one’s attitude towards non-Muslims, the Qur’an says, ‘Allah forbids you not, respecting those who have not fought against you on account of your religion, and who have not driven you forth from your homes, that you be kind to them and act equitably towards them; surely Allah loves those that are equitable. (Chapter 60 : Verse 9).

Even more surprising was the fact that children from the ages of 6 – 18 in Saudi Arabia are being taught the Jews and Christians look like pigs and dogs. They are being led to believe the world is divided into two groups of people; the Muslims and the non-Muslims. The seed of hate and intolerance is being planted in their hearts and is being cultivated every day they go to school. For that minority of Muslims who do believe in the heinous and absurd claims made against the Jews and Christians, I would like to remind you of a hadith of the Prophet of Islam (s.a.w.). He is reported to have said, “A time will come when nothing will remain of Islam except its name and nothing will remain of the Qur’an except its script. Mosques will be full of worshippers, but as far as righteousness is concerned they will be empty and deserted. Their ‘ulama’ (religious scholars) will be the worst creatures under the canopy of the heavens. Evil plots will originate from them and to them will they return” (Mishkat). Many people argue about the authenticity of this saying, but I think casting a quick glance over the world is enough to understand.

This reminds me of an excellent quote from the book To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee in which the father Atticus is defending a black man in court who is accused for having raped a white girl. The book is set in Alabama, in the 1930’s when segregation of whites and blacks was common. He says while addressing the jury “confident that you gentlemen would go along with them on the assumption – the evil assumption – that all Negroes lie, that all Negroes are basically immoral beings, that all Negro men are not to be trusted around our women, an assumption one associates with minds of their calibre. Which, gentlemen, we know is in itself a lie as black as Tom Robinson’s skin, a lie I do not have to point out to you. You know the truth, and that truth is: some Negroes lie, some Negroes are immoral, some Negro men are not to be trusted around our women – black or white. But this is a truth that applied to the human race and to no particular race of men. There is not a person in this courtroom who has never told a lie, who has never done an immoral thing, and there is no living man who has never looked upon a woman without desire.’ Stereotypes are wrong, we all know it. I personally know Jews who have protested for the rights of Muslims in Palestine and Christians too. We would be walking in the footsteps of the Nazi’s if we were to say that all Jews and Christians were bad people.  

Though the Panorama programme raised some very important points about the regulation of faith schools in England, it was also very biased. Apart from mentioning one good Muslim school at the beginning no attempt was made to highlight the more pleasant and true teachings of Islam. Those individuals who already have misguided and or prejudiced views about Islam due to a lack of knowledge or bad experience will be further strengthened in their beliefs. Islamic law for the punishment of theft (the amputation of a hand) is referred to as a medieval practice. That’s an unfair comment I think. There are two means of execution used in the USA; the electric chair and the lethal injection. Imagine this scenario. The condemned is initially given sodium thiopental which acts an anaesthetic. Next, an injection of pancuronium bromide is given which causes total paralysis. This gives the person a calm look, so that when the 3^rd and final injection of potassium chloride is given to induce death, the death is as calm as possible for the onlookers. Due to the lack of research regarding the use of anaesthesia in execution, what if actually not enough of it is being administered? What if the condemned person experiences ‘asphyxiation, serve burning sensation, massive muscle cramping and finally cardiac arrest’? Is that really humane? This is a debate that has been going on for a very long time. You can  download and read an article about it here.

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We all have a choice. Just like we can choose to love (refer to the love described in the quote in this post) a person, we can also choose to hate. This is a choice made depending on our experience of that person, group of people or thing. I remember walking towards the hospital to get into university a few weeks ago. It was raining; not heavily and not lightly either. Everyone had their shoulders hunched up, trying to stop the rain from hitting their faces. Seeing all those annoyed people, I dropped my shoulders, lifted up my face and felt the rain against my skin. It was a beautiful feeling. Sometimes a thing may look bad due to our lack of knowledge or due to what we see other people doing and so we may follow them in avoiding that thing. Try lifting up your face to the rain next time and feel it’s refreshing touch on your skin.

I’d like to end this post with something that my dad has said to me many times:

If you believe you are right, then give the other person the same right to believe they are also right. 

…Continued (Click here to read part 3)

This picture I stole off the loveeeeely Bubblegum (thank you!). She is truly amazing.

I’ve never really been much of an X Factor fan, but I think this song is really rather good and quite inspirational. Joe McElderry was the winner of 2009’s X Factor.

Footballers are known for their lavish lifestyles, fast cars and HOT babes. But here’s some down to earth advice from Javier Hernandez, Manchester United’s first Mexican player (click to enlarge and read what is in the red box):

This is for you Marshmellow, Furree Katt & The General :)

*****

You should all recommend me a blog or two to read. It can be anything which you think I’ll enjoy. I want some more reading to do!

I’ve nearly finished writing part 2 of the post about racism, hate and discrimination. That’ll be up soon, sorry to have kept you waiting.