Closing Pandora's Box

Don’t leave it till tomorrow for tomorrow doesn’t exist. Those people who say they will do it tomorrow never usually get round to doing it. You don’t know what could happen tomorrow so do it (or say it) when you have the chance – My mother.

You have probably heard something along the same lines as the quote above. In your case it may also have been a parent, a carer, a friend or Mr I talk inspiration on the TV. Therefore I’m not going to say much about it but will leave you a beautiful poem I came across today:

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would tape each word and action, and play them back throughout my days
If I knew it would be the last time, I would spare an extra minute or two,
To stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you know I do.

So just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never will forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
And you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
That you love them very much, and you'll always hold them dear.
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

If tomorrow never comes – Norma Marek

*****

Recently, someone asked me to write a post dedicated to my friends. This is for you; you who I see at uni every week, you who used to remind me to eat badaam (almonds) in the mornings, you who I met on valentine's day so many years ago, you whose BMW is the envy of many men, you who I shall talk to on that park bench one day, you who are new and you and you and you.

I’ve always loved sitting outside talking to the stars. Charley and I did it quite often. We would share our secrets, our hopes and our dreams sitting there covered in the silvery blanket of the stars and the moon.

“Every night I go to bed, I look at the stars and wish that one day I could just reach out and touch one of them,” she said with a glint in her eye. A glint of hope, of want and of a dream.

*****

When we were young we had many dreams. Some of us dreamed to be cowboys chasing bad guys on horseback, some of dreamed to be power rangers using kick-ass moves to save the planet from evil aliens, some of us dreamed to be train drivers flying on land, some of dreamed to be pilots gracefully roaming the air like birds, whereas others dreamed to be trees (yeah that was me, don’t ask). As we grew older and saw more of what the world had to offer our dreams changed.

Are dreams just for little children? It’s easy for us to believe, and many of us do, that the person sitting next to us in biology class would be an excellent surgeon, the cousin who breaks all his toys will one day be a skilful engineer and the neighbour’s little girl who can so convincingly change her mood will one day be a famous actor. But why do we never think ‘that could be me’? Our mind never happens to cross the path of aspiring. Believing in a dream is hard work. You don’t have to tell me about it. It is just so much easier do to nothing. But what if there comes a time when you can no longer do nothing?

People who really dream never give up, no matter how many legs are stuck out in front of them. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. It’s like an obsession which clouds their vision and whatever they do, is a small step to fulfilling that dream. Whether it be passing exams with good grades, buying a cosy little house in a peaceful area, earning a promotion or just resolving a few family issues, no dream is too small to pursue.

Dreams are so fragile, like the dew drops on a rose. There are some dreams which we chase on our own, from which we get fame, glory or money. There are those dreams that can only be achieved with the combined effort and power of a number of dreamers, for example those dreams that are remembered in the annals of history. Most dreams require a finger to hold onto, guidance of where to go, they need to be nurtured. It is these dreams that require a dreamer like you and others to lead, encourage and give them hope. Those dreamers who make it a life ambition to pursue their dreams, become a Nelson Mandela, a Mother Teresa, a Martin Luther King, a Princess Diana etc. People like the ones I have mentioned have a great power, and that is their belief.

The scene below is from one of my favourite films, ‘The Pursuit of Happyness’ in which the father tells his son the importance of believing in and pursuing one’s dreams despite what others may say.

Though Charley passed away at the beginning of this year, I still go our special place and share my secrets with the beautiful stars and like before, the stars quietly listen. The stars are like a repository for dreams. With each dream that is shared with them, they become brighter and even more beautiful. The heavens are full of the dreams shared by countless people over the millennia.  Your dream could be residing in the same star as the dream of Mahatma Ghandi after he was thrown off a train in Pietermaritzburg, South Africa. The real question is, he had a dream and he pursued it but will you pursue yours or will you leave your dream to wither away like a dead flower?

If you ever feel your hopes and dreams slipping away and you need some reason or some hope then this following PowerPoint may give you inspiration. It was emailed to me by my dad.

Click here to download

Because all our lives are variations on just a few themes, and all our questions, our hopes and fears and joys and sorrows, so similar, I can enter imaginatively into your world and your vulnerability as you can enter into mine. And we can exercise, compassion, a compassion born of empathy. Both words are synonyms for love, by which I don’t mean a romantic feeling but the readiness to give proper attention to whoever or whatever is before our eyes. – Michael Mayne.

A month or so ago, I posted an article from BBC news about the cost of love. It was looking at the ‘not so great’ aspects of love, such as blindness leading to being used, drifting apart and forgetting. You can read that article here. While reading the news this morning I came across the article above (click here) which cites research that has shown love can act like a painkiller and reduce the effects of pain. Seeing a picture of a loved one or thinking about them has a somewhat euphoric effect. Professor Paul Gilbert says, “It’s important to recognise that people who feel alone and depressed may have very low pain thresholds, whereas the reverse can be true for people who feel secure and cared for.” Nicely said prof.

Life’s fun with one, way better with two .

*****

Here’s another article I came across written by a clinical psychologist who actively believes in talking to her patients over the phone as a way of helping them deal with their problems. Though this article is written from a healthcare stance, I think it applies to everyone and talking to someone whether they be a doctor, psychologist, friend or family is something we could all benefit from.

“You matter because you are you & you matter to the last moment of your life.” – Dame Cicely Saunders.

When the NHS was founded on July 5^th 1948, it was a big step into the unknown. The government wanted to provide healthcare to each and every individual and would be responsible for funding. Not everyone was optimistic. The Editor of the British Medical Journal at the time agreed with the logic of spreading the cost of the treatment of illness over the whole community but feared many dangers in a state run medical service; dogma, timidity, lack of incentive, administrative hypertrophy, stereotyped procedure and lack of intellectual freedom. At that time, Aneurin Bevin, a key figure in the formation of the NHS, wrote to all the medical professionals and consoled them saying any problems would be dealt with. You can read his message here.

Death is something which the NHS wasn’t ready to deal with in it’s infancy. It’s main aim was to cure and or manage illness. It was at that time that Dame Cicely Saunders founded St Christopher’s Hospice in 1967 aiming to promote and provide skilled and compassionate palliative care of the highest quality. Every Thursday evening, I go to St Christopher’s, training to be a volunteer. It’s been 3 weeks now and already I have learnt a lot. I thought I’d share some of those things with you.

*****

Hope and it’s relationship with honesty.

Hope is one of the few things in life that can keep us living when there is nothing else left. It is the light that is nearly always on even when every other light may have turned off. Hope can make the dead walk, it can transform the weak into warriors and can give a broken man a reason to believe in tomorrow. However hope given falsely can cause irreversible damage. “People shouldn’t give false hope when there’s none around,” said one of the other volunteers. Hope is extremely potent, a small amount, the size of a grain of sand can shine up a person’s life. But it is highly important that when we share hope with someone bereft of it, we do so honestly. There’s no point telling a person who has just lost their legs in an accident to keep the hope of walking again. Such hope, based on falsehood and nothing, is more likely to have extremely detrimental effects than do anyone any good.

Pull yourself together, and just get over it…

When passing through an illness or the grieving period after the death of a loved one, there are some people who due to a lack of experience and understanding may tell you to pull yourself together, to strengthen up and to get over it. Truth of the matter is, every day you spend bedbound or every night you spend crying the tears of sorrow, you’re telling yourself exactly that. You don’t need others doing the same. After all, sorrow and a person’s way of dealing with it is personal, as is the time it takes for them to come to terms with their loss. The journey of acceptance after a traumatic event is like a daunting climb up a mountain; full of hardships and extremely tiring. If any one needs to make that journey of acceptance quickly, it is those people who tell you to hurry up. They need to accept the fact that you need your time and them constantly pushing, directly or indirectly, will probably make it a lot harder for you.

You talk, I’ll listen.

I’ve always been a strong believer in the power of talking about one problems and having someone who will listen. In one of the training sessions, our supervisor told us to find a partner and tell them something we had really wanted to do or achieve but were unable to do so because of whatever problem. It was the listener’s job to speak as little as they could but give their full attention to the speaker. Each person got approximately five minutes to talk. In a room surrounded by people, the majority of whom, like me, had lost a loved one made me feel comfortable. Most of us had felt the pain that follows after the death of someone dear and could see it in each other’s eyes. When I began talking to a complete stranger, the words flowed by their own accord. Normally for those of you who know me personally will know that I rarely talk about such things. But at that moment in time, the feeling of unity shared as a result of loss, helped me formulate words and sentences I had never spoken before. The other person, just nodded in understanding and that was enough. The calmness and the relief it brings is something which further strengthened my belief in talking and listening. Sometimes we don’t need happy pills or pills that will stop us from dying, but instead having someone who will listen properly and at least try to understand is one of the greatest things we can ever wish for.

The two small words ‘I’m sorry’ can sometimes be extremely difficult to say. Maybe because they are potentially so powerful and sometimes also require one to swallow a massive chunk of pride. Apologising honestly can save relationships, mend friendships, burn out the fire of anger and it also has various health benefits. Those people that find it difficult to apologise have a serious flaw in their characters. The best apology is one in which a person realises their mistake, takes responsibility and feels regret for their actions and subsequently tries to do something to remedy the situation. There are times for apologising and others when actually you shouldn’t. Agree?

*****

The following message is for The General. Please excuse my rather scruffy and somewhat illegible handwriting; it was written in a bit of a hurry.

*****

I was recently talking to a friend of mine who told me that I had become distant and it seemed as if we were drifting apart. They weren’t too happy about it and that forced me to take a few minutes out from the daily grind and examine myself and what I have become. I wasn’t too happy about what I discovered.

In the final few paragraphs of ‘The Story’, I made the following promise, which I wish to reiterate, to all my friends:

With so many deaths close to home among family and friends recently, I realised just how much we take for granted; the friendships, the relationships and the other acquaintances. You can never know when such people may leave, go, or die. And when they do, you’re left wondering whether their last thoughts of you were full of happy memories or whether they left with no memories due to lack of contact or neglect on your behalf. Recently, I think I have been guilty of neglecting and that really scares me. I don't want to be remembered as the person that never remembered and so hereby promise to try even harder in that regard. If I ever fall short in that promise, forgive me and feel free to remind me. – From ‘For Your Story’.

I’d be the first to admit that I can be annoying, unpleasant, irritating and may even say some hurtful things unintentionally due to my short-sightedness at times. If I have ever said or done anything to you, that may have caused you distress, hurt; both physical and emotional and or sorrow, then I want to say I am truly sorry. 99.9% of the time, if I ever am guilty of doing such things it is totally unintentional. Intentional or unintentional, that doesn’t take away the hurt a person may have felt and for that reason I ask for your forgiveness. It may be that you cannot forgive me today, nor tomorrow, nor next year but that’s fine. I accept full responsibility for the flaws and dents in my character and I want you to know I really do regret many things.

The trick is in what one emphasizes (when thinking). We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. – Carlos Castaneda.

Thinking. What type of thinker are you? Click on the link below, download the PowerPoint and see for yourself. It puts forward a very important message for us all.

Click here to download

I’m not going to say much about this topic but just remember excessive amounts of anything are bad for you. Even the things that may be good. The same applies to thinking.

“Have you ever had that orange coloured fruit which is really juicy and sweet but after a few seconds it really dries up your mouth and makes it seem like there’s cobwebs growing in there?” I asked the two sitting next to me.

The thinking look came onto the General’s face, "Hmmm…”

“Are you talking about tangerines?” asked Dum.

“Noooo. Tangerines don’t give you oral cobwebs. I don’t know what it’s called.” I replied. “Wait let me google it.”

“I think I know what you might be talking about,” said Dum with his distinctive enlightened ‘oh’ look.

Googling ‘What fruit dries your mouth?’ came up with a yahoo answers page link. “According to this, it’s called a persimmon,” I informed the others.

“Suck this 12 inch baby dry!” shouted Dum randomly, pointing in between his legs. Oh dear, here comes the guy talk.

Which other thing is made to a 12 inch size? “Bloody hell man, that’s the size of a normal 30 cm ruler!” I exclaimed rolling my eyes.

“It would be okay if it was that size when standing up. Otherwise all that blood…” added the General.

“It’d make you faint. Imagine that, you see some one really hot  and just swoon because of all that blood being directed away from the brain.” I said.

“Haha! Gives a whole new meaning to how long can you last,” said Dum.

“But you know, it’s not like we’re 12 any more when it used to randomly just pop up. I think he’d have a bit of self control now… I hope,” General said giving Dum a scrutinising look.

“All you need now is that wooden stump thing that pirates have and you’ll officially have yourself a third leg!” I said laughing.

*****

“Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.” – Thoreau. (sent to me by bubblegum)

What is happiness? Why is that when we are happy things are easy to deal with and it all fits into place? But when sorrow is upon us, we can’t wait for it to end. I attempted to answer that question in one of the parts of ‘The Story’ and so would like to shift the focus somewhere else. What do you do when happiness seems to have left your life?

I’d like to present to you another quote which was said to me by a good friend of mine while we were discussing this issue of happiness a week or so ago:

“There are some things in life that don’t come running to you. You gorra get up off your stinkin’ sofa and go get ‘em” – RP.

At first glance it may seem that the two quotes above are contradictory in the message they give. The first tells us that we should wait patiently for happiness to come to us whereas the latter seems to imply that happiness is something that we have to go and actively find ourselves. I agree with both and think you can employ both methods without any conflict. They are, I believe, two different stages of the same process, one coming before the other.

If you want gold for example, you must first seek where gold is. There’s no point looking for it in the kitchen cupboards or in a chemist shop and if you were to do so, you’d never find it. It’s the same with happiness I think. If a person finds themselves bereft of happiness but does nothing but sit at home thinking about the injustices of life and the bad things that have happened to them, their negativity will lead to depression and or other psychological problems. The butterfly of happiness isn’t everywhere, especially in those places that are bound to bring back tear-jerking memories or feelings of anger and hate. First you have to find where happiness is, and then you can wait patiently for it to come to you.

Just before starting this post, I asked a friend of mine of their views on this topic and they said, “happiness is always there in the back of our mind, but we’re so caught up in our sorrow that we don’t pay attention to it.” It’s true isn’t it? When we’re overwhelmed by pain or sorrow we tend to forget the little stars that are shining for us day and night, sparkling around us like little butterflies bringing us laughter and smiles every day.

The gift of happiness is one that we all have the ability to give to someone. It’s cheap to give, but very weighty in it’s value. A simple joke, just giving someone a hand or sitting with a person and talking about random things can bring the light back into the eyes of someone who is looking for a reason to smile. Next time you see someone with a tear in their eye, remember they could be waiting for a butterfly to come to them and that butterfly could be you.